A random conversation in our house.

"Is that Spider?" I ask J. She looks at the TV. "So it is," she says.

"What spider? Where's the spider?" Daughter number two hates spiders. She is practically phobic.

"I haven't seen him in anything for years," J continues, ignoring daughter number two.

"Not since he played Spider in Coronation Street." I say, "and that wasn't yesterday. Who did he used to go out with?"

"Tracy Barlow."

"That man's a spider?" Daughter number two is just catching up.

"The man's an actor," I explain. [1] "He played a crusty in Coronation Street."

"I thought you said he was a spider. What's a crusty?"

"No, he played someone called Spider who was a crusty. A crusty was someone who wanted to live an alternative lifestyle. They were against new roads being built and new airports. Was there talk of building a road near Coronation Street?"

"Can't remember," J says.

"We used to watch Corrie religiously. What happened?" I ask.

"Kids happened," J says.

"It probably isn't as good now that Curly Watts isn't in it. He's not in it, is he?"

"This boy at school tried to show me a spider today."

"What did you do?"

"I ran away, Dad."

"Was it a big spider?"

"Huge. He picked it up. He was holding it by the bum."

"Holding it by the bum? I don't think spiders have bums. They're just bodies and legs."

"Well, a spider's body looks like a bum."

"I don't think I've ever seen that kind of spider."

"They do have a bum though, don't they?" she asks.

"I imagine so." [2]

"There were other things we used to do we don't do any more," J says. "We used to go to the theatre. We used to go to museums."

"I still don't understand why you hate spiders," I say to daughter number two. "They're amazing creatures. You like Spider-Man."

"Spider-Man doesn't have eight legs. Spider-Man doesn't crawl into your mouth when you're sleeping."

"Why would a spider want to crawl into your mouth? Did you clean your teeth tonight?"

A childhood memory pops into my head. "When I was a kid I used to go into the woods and run through the trees. When I did I'd always end up running through cobwebs hanging between the trees."

"That's disgusting."

"I probably ate a few spiders back then."

"What did they taste like?"

I think back. "Mushy," I say. For a moment I feel like spitting.

FOOTNOTES

[1] The man's name is Martin Hancock. He's been in Holby City and Kingdom Of Heaven.

[2] They do. A hole at the end of their intestine.