TAIL feathers fanned and throats pulsing brightly, politicians are forever strutting the vote courting mating dance.
First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, newly appointed, is of course wooing the sweeping demographics. She has spoken alluringly to businesses, praising them for their key role in creating a more prosperous Scotland. For business tourism, £1million has been given to encourage overseas conferences to Scotland.
In one month??s time all primary one to three pupils will be entitled to free school meals even though it??s going to be at least another nine years before the oldest of them can vote.
The government has committed a third of a billion pounds over the next two years to expand annual funded early learning and childcare, or £707 per child.
If I may raise my hand, timidly, from the back of the hall and ask, ??What of the single people? What have you for us???
In all my years since obtaining majority I have waited eagerly for a politician to show me something enticing. So far, nothing. Not so much as a wink.
And why? More people are living alone than ever before and the numbers are only rising. Almost a third of people have decided that two??s a crowd and more are joining them, separately.
Why aren??t politicians preening their feathers for our benefit? We??re a blooming great demographic just itching to be seduced. Heavens knows, most of us desperate for the attention and this may be the only enticing overtures we encounter.
The new reforms to stamp duty are aimed at homes occupied by the several, not the lone.
Even oysters and mussels had some political consideration this week, the rights to them being transferred to Scotland from the Crown Estate, thanks to the Scottish Affairs Committee. Molluscs are further up the pecking order than single people and they cannot, as yet, vote.
People who live alone pay £250,000 more over their lifetime than those who co-habit. Cannot the government scrap single supplements on hotel rooms? Legislate against restaurants sticking us in the corner table near the toilets.
Give us our own carriages on trains so we??re not used as an ad hoc babysitting service for parents with wild weans or ask to move so co-dependent couples can cosy in a double seat.
How about a more equitable portion of the council tax? If it??s based on two people sharing then why is the single person subsidy only 25%? I??m paying council tax on half a person who doesn??t exist.
Oust bulk buying bargains at the supermarkets, or at least sell double eggs. I don??t need six or a dozen. I??m never going to get through that block of cheese before the mould sets in and don??t get me started on ??family packs??.
Family rail tickets? Oh, so you get cheap train travel because you??ve procreated? How nice for you. I want tax rebates on gin. Ain??t gonna happen.
Pensioners have free bus travel and those procreated folks their child benefit. I??d like to use my free, solo time to brush up my British Sign Language and learn piano so how about hobby vouchers for single people?
Fine if politicians want to continue their fetishisation of the marital unit and their laboured prose praising ??hard-working families??. I tell you, the single woman works harder than any family unit - we make more effort with our friendships, we??re available for babysitting duties, we support ourselves financially, we volunteer and we play like it??s a career. We??re also a sight more environmentally friendly.
Single people are the new power group. There was nothing for us in the referendum debate, there??s nothing for us in the Autumn Statement and I see no scented love notes offered as we cruise towards next year??s General Election.
C??mon, the parties. Dream up one policy to benefit the solo flyers, we??re here to be taken. As more and more of us are single, the single vote is the only thing guaranteed not to be on its own.
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