I AM a disappointed man.
No, madam, don't be concerned on my part. I'm used to it. Just five minutes after being born, I looked around and thought: "Is this it?" So what's disappointing me noo in particular? I will tell you: the new iStuff and the new Kindle e-reader. In short, the gadgets.
Yup, once or twice a year now, excitement builds as middle-aged men with their shirt tails hanging out bound on stage and try to sell us stuff. These are now big events in our cultural calendars. They herald the future which, by and large, is getting smaller.
In my own small way, I was psyched up for buying something. Now I'm psyched down. The Kindle first. Theoretically, I'm converted to the idea. Getting ready to flit again, I'm reminded that physical books are a pain in the neck, back and arms, at least when you're trying to lift them in boxes.
It's absurd, 70% of the stuff being moved consists of books. But I could put them all on a wee, faintly ugly looking machine. I could transport my library in my pocket.
However, whenever you go to buy a gadget, the time is never right. Months ago, when I decided I wanted a Kindle, all the talk was that the next one would be much better.
It would have improved "paper" and built-in illumination that allowed you to read it in the gloom of a Scottish interior or even in the dark. So I waited and waited. I read up on the subject.
I practised opening my wallet and closing it, getting ready for the day when I'd shell out the shekels. Then came the announcement. Oh, what a gadget! Oh, let there be light! Except for viewers in the UK.
That's right. After all that, it's not available here. The stupid British papers went on and on about the marvellousness of the device, some adding as a footnote that it wasn't available in Britland, others failing to mention that unimportant fact at all. Even the prices were given in dollars.
Dollars: how I wish I had more of these. Then I could afford more Apple products. I can't say I was eagerly anticipating this week's latest iPhone launch. The new iPad mini tablet, rumoured to be introduced next month, is the thing that I wanted. And the word was that, for once, it was going to be affordable. That now looks less likely.
How so? Well along with the iPhone, upgraded iPods were announced, and these increased in price: to £249 and £329. As a superior product, the iPad mini will have to cost more than that. So there go hopes of it being £250.
If you don't know the difference between pods and pads, incidentally, you have my sympathy. Basically, the iPod plays things, the iPad becomes your friend. So they say.
And I do so want one. But it's not going to happen. The cheapness rumour started with the need for Apple to take on the inexpensive Kindle Fire tablet.
Apple is too dear, but it knows there are enough enthusiasts out there willing to pay top dollar. Don't be fooled by the starting price either. The lowest priced models have the storage capacity of a jam jar.
So I'm going to buy neither a Kindle Paperwhite – due to the minor inconvenience of it being unavailable – nor the new iPad, on the grounds that it will be unaffordable.
So disappointing. Shortly after having my buttocks impertinently slapped as a newborn babe, someone should have taken me aside and said: "Welcome to the world. Boy, are you in for a letdown."
But no-one said a word and, ever since, it's been all promises, promises, promises. This device will be great. It might even be available. This one will be cheap. This'll be the season Hibs win the cup. The Scots will finally understand their economic situation and grow up.
None of it ever comes true. My wallet-opening practice runs were all a waste of time. I'll just have to keep my money, and somehow hope that life will be bearable without the latest gadgets.
We moderate all comments on HeraldScotland on either a pre-moderated or post-moderated basis. If you're a relatively new user then your comments will be reviewed before publication and if we know you well then your comments will be subject to moderation only if other users or the moderators believe you've broken the rules, which are available here.
Moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours. Please be patient if your posts are not approved instantly.