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In praise of - A Fine Spine.

I'D never thought much about my spine.

Well, you don't, do you? I reached 55 without back problems.

You hear people complaining about their backs and just think: "Ah, shurrup." Then – whump! – you've joined the ranks of folk with "a bad back".

Mine occurred after a vigorous exercise class. I'd had aches around the hip area but had ignored them. After this class, I experienced discomfort all over my back.

Two days later I was out waddling with a friend when the Lord directed me to micturate in some woods. Looking for a suitable spot, I slipped and fell down a slope, and my back went right doolally.

The strange thing about putting your back out is just how fragile you seem. You feel suddenly as if you could break in two.

To remedy the situation, I bought something stupid: in this instance, an inversion table. This Heath-Robinson contraption enables you to hang upside down, thus letting the spine elongate. It sort of works, apart from all the increased pain. At the time of going to press, I'm rationalising that the agony is caused by my spine realigning itself.

I'm not sure the exercise class was the root cause of the pain. There's stuff on yon internet about how sitting in front of computers all day knackers the back. And sitting up straight is also a bad idea, apparently. You're supposed to lean back.

I'm trying everything. I've a lumbar roll for my chair. In my car, I'm leaning back like a ned and may have to play loud thumpy-thumpy music to complete the picture. I'm doing yoga exercises. I'm hanging upside doon. And what works, readers? That's right: nothing.

My last hope is prayer, with accompanying promises to be good. I'll let you know how I get on.

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