MY FACE is too mobile.
I mean it gives away what I'm thinking. Consequently, I have trouble lying, as my face exposes my inner reality.
In an explosive essay recently, I praised lying. As a new hobby, I found it both profitable and fun. I don't mean profitable in the financial sense, which would be evil. I mean in terms of time, as 92% of my lies were told to avoid social invitations.
You can never say: "I'm not coming to your party as I've better things to do." They rarely take it well or may still try to persuade you to come. Far better just to say you'll be abroad on that day, or you're having a hair transplant, or you're getting married. Anything really. It's just easier to lie.
It's even easier lying by email but, occasionally, you must communicate coupon to coupon, and that can be disturbing. Without a poker face, a phizog utterly inscrutable and devoid of emotion, something – the ghost of a smile, a fear-filled eye, manic twitching – is bound to give you away.
But, lying aside, I'd like my face to be inscrutable just on principle, so that people couldn't tell whether I was happy, sad or distressed. My natural face in repose is like that of the late Donald Dewar, reflecting a disgust at life. Hints of bitterness and anger are also detectable, etched indelibly by an unfair life. Beyond writing about it in a newspaper, I don't what people to know of this.
I would remain a mystery, a blank page, an unwritten book. But my pesky visage says: "Hi, I'm a tortured soul and I'm not coming to your party because my cat's ill."
"But you don't have a cat."
"Yes, I do." Twitch, twitch.
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