I'M CONSCIOUS of the fact that some of you have no interest in football or are otherwise peculiar.
But bear with me, as the discussion will have wider implications for humanity.
I want to make a plea for football's offside rule to be scrapped. The rule states that, well, I can't be bothered explaining it. Suffice to say, it's absurd. Almost every goal is the subject of anguished inquiry as to whether or not it was offside. This news just in: who cares? Fantastic passages of play culminating in a spectacular goal are rendered meaningless by an overweight baldie on the touchline waving a wee flag.
It's like worthy criminal charges being dropped because a date or some other minor technicality is wrong in the paperwork, a wicked absurdity much enjoyed by the sinister legal profession.
Offside, similarly, doesn't make moral sense. No wonder women — the superior sex — allegedly have trouble understanding it. Women sometimes tell me they do understand the offside rule, but you can tell they don't. This is to their credit.
According to the latest scientific research, a man's brain may be likened to a nuclear energy station, powerful, unsightly and potentially dangerous, while a woman's brain is like a quiet bucolic scene in the middle of the afternoon with no activity beyond puffballs of dandelion seed blowing through it.
Alas, I'm not scientifically qualified to comment on these claims. But they hint at why the offside rule is so explosive in the male mind and so allegedly impenetrable to the female. New 50p coins containing a visual explanation of the daft rule are being produced this year, but I'd happily give 50p to charity if it was abolished. Not 50p, maybe 40p.
Meanwhile, I'm sorry. I lied when I said the discussion would have wider implications for humanity.
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