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A brew ha ha

OUR filing cabinet reminiscing reminded retired cop Alan Barlow in Paisley:

"When I worked in the old Greenock police office we had an admin inspector who looked after the stationery. He was searching the cabinets for an item and in one cabinet he found a cup of tea, drank it, and then continued his search without drawing breath."

Ear we go

KILMAURS reader John Bannerman was unhappy when he called in at his doctor's surgery and was told he would have to see a vet. When he went into the room indicated a new doctor at the practice introduced herself as Yvette. He now wonders whether he should add hearing difficulties to the reasons for his visit.

Back track

JURY duty continued. Iain Duncan in Paisley tells us: "Picked for jury duty in case of elderly Glasgow gentleman stabbed in the back by his wife - wounds were a series of jabs to the shoulder blade, and certainly not life threatening.

"The victim related that he was taken to Glasgow Royal Infirmary. The QC asked if he saw the doctor. 'No' replied the victim. After a surprised look, the QC then said, 'I'm led to believe that you did in fact see the doctor' to which the victim replied, 'No, she was behind me'.

"His wife was admonished and the old couple left hand in hand."

A little red booking

WE mentioned combining Burns Night with the Chinese New Year because they are less than a week apart. Says George Crawford in West Kilbride: "I imagine the speeches at the supper would include a rendition of 'To a Maoist'."

Wheels a-turning

NOT everyone is a fan of cyclists, as we said yesterday. David Stubley in Prestwick comments: "Given their ability to camouflage themselves to the point of invisibility coupled with their complete disregard for the law and their own safety, surely cyclists must be conscripted into the Scottish SAS after a Yes vote in the referendum."

In the bag

TALKING of the referendum, we asked for your independence oddities, and a Glasgow reader tells us she saw a canvas shopping bag with a St Andrew's cross on it, then the question "How will you vote in the referendum?" and below it three boxes with the answers "Aye", "Naw", and "Whit's a referendum?" beside them.

Southern comfort

AND an English reader gets in touch to tell us: "My son should be called Scotland. He goes on and on about independence even though he'll be back asking for a handout when it goes wrong. And he's rubbish at football."

Keeping the faith

WE note on the BBC's news website that their China reporter, Eaglesham's very own Martin Patience, was manhandled by police while trying to report on a dissident's secret trial. We remember when Martin was stationed in Israel and had gone to a hotel to meet a tourist who thought he was Jesus Christ - it's a phenomenon known as Jerusalem Syndrome as people can become mentally imbalanced surrounded by all the religious iconography there.

He was told the chap had left the hotel and, as a disappointed Martin walked away, the helpful receptionist shouted over: "Wait. We've got a John the Baptist if that's any help."

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