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A point of no return...

SOME of you poor souls will be gearing up for the sales.

A Glasgow shop assistant tells us that a customer came in after last Christmas seeking a refund, and our reader had to explain this was only possible with the receipt. But the customer explained that it was a present.

"Can you not get the receipt from the person who bought it? Who gave you the present?" asked our man.

"Santa," replied the customer.

Doors open day

AS you toss your empty Advent calendars in the bin, Robert Gardner tells us: "A Jehovah's Witness gave me an Advent calender earlier this month. I opened the first door and blow me! There were two of them standing behind it."

Hammered?

HAD your fill of duff cracker jokes yesterday? Our favourite was: "What must you know to be an auctioneer?

"Lots."

Inns and outs

GOOD to see some schools were still putting on nativity shows last week. Karen Greenshields passes on: "Heard about a nativity play at a primary school in Lanarkshire where a little boy was very disgruntled that he didn't land the part of Joseph. He reluctantly accepted the role of the third innkeeper. However as Mary approached, he told her she was welcome to stay but that her husband wasn't getting in because – 'I wanted to play Joseph'."

Scent by Brando...

HAPPY with the perfume chosen for you this Christmas? We like the reason why Scots author Meg Henderson wears Arpege by Lanvin. She tells us: "Many moons ago I read an interview with Marlon Brando , where he said he'd rather women smelt of sweat than Arpege. I'd never heard of it, but I thought, 'What a poser' and when I got paid, I went out and bought some, cost about half my monthly pittance.

"Luckily I liked it and have worn it ever since."

Card sharp

CHRISTMAS cards will still be adorning the mantelpiece for another week or two. Stuart Miller tells us: "Messages in Christmas cards are unutterably naff and sugary. So it was with pleasure I received a card from a church minister friend saying: 'At this time my thoughts and prayers are with the nine-year-old children in China who made this basic value card'."

Fool cycle

TOUGH job being a rickshaw cyclist in Edinburgh, ferrying large drunks up hill and down dale. One of them explains on an internet site: "We charge quite a lot, yet people seem to think we should be working for peanuts and frequently accuse us of being robbers. It gives me a warm glow of satisfaction to see them stomp off in the wrong direction. Had they been a little more polite, I would have been happy to correct their mistake.

"I like to give them a little wave as they stomp back past again, sometimes up to an hour later. For some reason, they rarely see the funny side."

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