OUT of the mouths of babes … Alex Findlay was at the Laigh Kirk in Kilmarnock when the minister asked one of the little ones from the Sunday School:
"How old are you?"
"Four." the little one replied.
"When will you be five?" the minister continued.
"When I'm finished with being four," said the youngster with impeccable logic.
Money in the pipeline
MOST folk begging on the streets of Glasgow are poor souls sitting placidly on the pavement. But occasionally at night you meet a more aggressive drunk looking for cash. One reader heading home after a night out was approached by a slightly swaying chap looking for money. Patting his change pocket, our reader amicably told him: "Sorry pal, I don't have a washer."
"Do I look like a plumber?" the chap replied.
READER Eddy Cavin tells us that his teacher daughter was approached by a pupil who asked for another homework sheet as his dog had chewed the one he had, and brought the crumpled soggy mess to show her.
His daughter was then able to triumphantly announce in the staffroom that a pupil had actually used the mythical excuse that a dog had eaten his homework.
YES, the students are finally back at university after the long summer recess. A new student at St Andrews tells us that she knew it had a reputation for posh students, but she was surprised that when she was filling out the university's gym membership this week, the drop-down window on the website offered Earl, Duke or Baron as a title option after the more mundane Mr and Mrs.
Birthday hard cell
A MIDDLE-AGED woman was being comforted by her friends in a Glasgow restaurant at the weekend where she was bemoaning the fact she was about to be 50, and she didn't care for it. Trying to cheer her up, a pal told her: "Age is just a number."
"That's like saying," the birthday girl retorted, "that a prison cell is just a room."
So we don't think she'll be throwing a party then.
Running a dream race
A COLLEAGUE comes over to tell us: "I had a dream where someone shouted at me: 'Ready, get set, go.'
After a pause he added: "That's when I woke up with a start."
DEEDEE Cuddihy was in a lengthy queue to see crime writer Lee Childs at Stirling's Albert Hall on Sunday when the chap behind her told his companion: "There's more folk here than were at the match yesterday." He was an East Stirlingshire fan whose game against Clyde was watched by less than 500 fans. Ms Cuddihy was wondering if the fan was pleased that a literary figure could command a larger following or was sad at the support for his team.
Incidentally, Childs told the audience that his American wife doesn't believe him when he tells her that in his first year at primary school in Birmingham "we had to write on slates". Many members of the Stirling audience nodded in recognition.
"THEY say time's a great healer," said the chap in a Glasgow pub at the weekend.
"That's probably why they keep you waiting so long at the doctor's surgery."
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