Age-old failing

Diary Editor

Wednesday 6 March 2013

OUR mention of fake IDs to get into bars reminds a barman in a Glasgow club of the time the premises offered a free drink to anyone on their birthday.

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Ken Smith

When one chap came up to claim it, the barman pointed out he needed to see something with his date of birth on it.

The chap pulled out his student card and the barman read it and told him: "Yes, it is your birthday – but unfortunately you're 17 today," and had to send him packing.

Handy hintVETERAN Belfast punk band Stiff Little Fingers, fronted by Jake Burns, will be playing Glasgow's Barrowland on St Patrick's Day. Tony Gaughan tells us he was on the stage at Glasgow's Apollo before an appearance by the band and watched as a roadie put a yellow and black stripe at the front of the stage, which has a 20ft drop to the audience area, and then wrote "Stop!" in large letters.When Tony asked why he was doing it, the roadie merely replied: "Jake. He's as blind as a bat."Request stop?JOGGING continued. Paul Cortopassi in Bonnybridge decided to try a little jog between two lamp-posts while en route to the newsagents. Says Paul: "While doing so I was easily overtaken by a bus. Slowing down to a stagger I noticed that the bus had stopped. I realised the driver had noticed this aged pedestrian – in fur hat and muffler – shuffling along and had assumed I was running for his bus."I almost got on to save any embarrassment."What a dragELECTRONIC cigarettes were being discussed in a Glasgow pub the other night, with one chap claiming he could smoke an ordinary cigarette but claim it was an electronic one, and thus beat the pub smoking ban."One problem with that," his pal told him. "You roll your own."Premier attractionYOU can buy a life-size cardboard replica of David Cameron on Amazon for £30. We wonder how sincere the person was who left the review: "Since installing this in my front room I have not had an unhappy day. Dave's smiling face greets me first thing in the morning and is one of the last things I see at night."He is also excellent for deterring burglars."A less prosaic review states: "I admit this is a lot less satisfying to tear limb from limb and set on fire than the real thing, but at least no-one will arrest you."Off the railsBRITISH troops stationed in Germany are being brought home. We remember a former soldier telling us that he had reported a broken towel rail in his married quarters in Germany and, losing patience while waiting for the repair, he bought a new rail and put it up.Weeks later someone eventually arrived to replace the broken one, but when he pointed out he had done it himself, the chap replied: "Says right here on my work order, replace towel rail," which he then proceeded to do, taking off the new one.Anyone with any other tales of serving abroad?

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Age-old failing

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