WE don't know what the demand is, but cheap-products emporium Poundland in Airdrie is selling tins of yacht varnish with a nifty picture of a ship's wheel on the front.
A reader who was pondering whether Airdrie was now the Riviera of Monklands was interrupted by a fellow customer who opined: "The only Marina I know around here works in the chip shop."
NINIAN Fergus was surprised by the billboard headline outside his newsagent's yesterday stating "Rangers Boss Ally Was Hacked". As Ninian tells us: "I was often a witness to Rangers boss McCoist being hacked, usually by defenders from my team Hibs, but it was a long time ago, so why are they reporting it now?"
OUR mention of New Orleans reminds Alan Lang of being in said city. Walking down Decatur Street, he passed a boy of about eight tap-dancing who called out: "Hey mister. Betcha a dollar Ah can tell you where you got yo' shoes".
Says Alan: "Having just arrived in town and not being aware that M&S had opened a branch in the Big Easy, I rose to the bait and took his bet. To which he replied, 'You got them on yo' feet. Welcome to N'Awlins mister!' With a sheepish grin I parted with my dollar bill. Still, I suppose it was more inventive than 'Huv ye goat the price o' a cop o' tea pal?'"
OLYMPIC torch continued. Mark Boyle of Johnstone went to Lochwinnoch to see the flame, and tells us: "The torch was carried by Johnstone's Natalie Still with a police car following up. To be honest, if I had wanted to see a Johnstonian in a tracksuit being chased by a police car, I'd have stayed in Johnstone and saved myself the bus fare."
A READER tells us she was discussing their mutual desire to lose weight with her daughter when she challenged her daughter to a bet over who could lose the most.
"OK," replied her offspring, "But let's wait two weeks before we start. There are some things I have to eat first."
A Scots thesaurus
CAMERON McPhail's book The Scottish Nationality Test we mentioned yesterday also claims that people in Edinburgh and Glasgow use different words to convey the same meaning. See if you agree with him. Edinburgh words first, then Glasgow equivalent. Downcast/scunnered. Middle-class/minted. Contretemps/stooshie. Absent-minded/heidthebaw. Easy/sjoosh. Accountant/pochler.
"MY mate does a brilliant bird impression," said the chap in the pub the other night.
"He takes three hours to get ready for a night out."
School of hard knocks
"That's football for you."
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