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An ill wind

BAD weather has been disrupting some ferry services around Scotland.

But not everyone has felt the cancellations were necessary. David Kelso was at a newsagents in Brodick, Arran, at the weekend where a sign stuck to the door stated in bright red ink: "No papers." Added in explanation below was: "You may think it's not windy, I may think it's not windy, but the CalMac psychic decided yesterday at lunchtime there was a chance a seagull might fart causing a sudden gust of wind."

A cut above

OUR tale of Phil Cunningham embarrassing himself in a conversation with the Queen reminds a Rutherglen reader of perhaps being a bit harsh with his church minister after the Sunday service when he noticed the minister had a plaster on his neck.

"Yes," joked the reverend, "I was thinking too much about my sermon and cut myself shaving this morning."

Our reader realised he went too far by remarking: "Shame you didn't cut the sermon instead."

Snow joke

READER Scott Barclay is still pondering the announcement on the BBC website: "Telford's artificial ski slope is currently closed because of the snow."

Cashing in

MUSIC store HMV's administrators have been criticised for not allowing gift vouchers to be accepted in the remaining stores.

A Glasgow reader swears to us he was in HMV where the apologetic sales assistant said the gift voucher he had was worthless.

The assistant emphasised the point by telling him: "You can't even get the new Daniel O'Donnell CD with it."

Action man

FILM maker and restaurant critic Michael Winner has died. We remember him recounting the time he met up with Scotland's Sir Sean Connery in New York for dinner. Said Michael: "We were eating in the restaurant at my hotel. The maitre d' said he couldn't allow us – even us – in because Mr Connery wasn't wearing a jacket. I took Sean up to my room so he could borrow one of mine. But when we got there, I'd forgotten my key.

"Sean said, 'Step back, Michael,' and kicked the door open, James Bond-style."

Yes you can take the lad out of Fountainbridge ...

No show

CRITICS were always divided on the merits of Michael Winner's films, such as Death Wish. As one reader told us: "I hope, as a mark of respect to Michael Winner, the television companies don't put on any of his films."

Weighty issue

MANY folk of course have started diets in January. A reader was in a west end bar at the weekend when a woman was telling her pals about her struggle to lose weight since the New Year. "What have you lost?" asked a pal.

"The will to live," she replied.

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