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Animal crackers

COLIN Chilton tells us about a student jumping on a packed Subway at Hillhead, but the doors closed on his backpack.

The chap started banging on the door while screaming: "You will not shut a door on me! I am not an animal!"

Everyone in the carriage was staring at him, a few were even chuckling, as you do when a student gets on his high horse.

Says Colin: "As he gets off, a wee boy sitting with his mum goes, 'Mooo!'"

Boxing clever

BOXER Audley Harrison's inept performance in his recent comeback fight, which he lost to David Price, reminds Gary Johnston of a classic gag by Scottish club comedian Hector Nicol. Says Gary: "Imagine the bold Hec, in his pugilist get-up, complete with black eye and cheap towelling robe, 'Hey, ye remember Peter Keenan boxing? Well I'm his brother No so Keenan boxing!'"

Hector Nicol and Peter Keenan in the one story – that's enough nostalgia for one week.

Date planner

WOMEN, it has to be admitted, can be a bit sharp-tounged about their contemporaries. A Hyndland reader says he heard two women discussing a mutual friend who had apparently dated quite a few chaps in recent years.

"I wouldn't say she takes a lot of men home," said one. "But her bedroom is listed on TripAdvisor."

Viva Espana

CELTIC'S valiant performance against Barcelona this week is still being discussed. A reader in a London pub heard one loudmouth declare: "You've got to feel sorry for those Celtic fans traveling home from Barcelona.

"Glasgow's such a dump."

Breaking the ice

OUR daft gag the other day prompts John Park in Motherwell to tell us: "The colder temperatures this week remind me of the depth of last year's winter when a wife texted her husband at work to tell him, 'Windows frozen'.

"Knowing what to do with your car on a frosty morning, he texted back, 'Pour some lukewarm water over it.'

"Half an hour later she texted, 'Computer completely knackered now.'"

Sick-note culture

SPELLING problems continued. Pat Reid in Falkirk tells us: "As a manager, I once received a sickness certificate note from an employee who had been off work for a couple of days with an upset stomach.

"After four abortive attempts to spell diarrhoea, all of which had been scored out, he had resorted with a flourish to the word 'skitters.'"

It's only rock-n'roll

PLANS are being worked out for a world tour by the Rolling Stones, it has been announced.

Our rock'n'roll contact tells us: "They just need to iron out a few wrinkles."

Wheely good idea

WE wondered what the motto should be for the Glasgow Commonwealth Games, reflecting the robust views of the locals. David Bertin suggests for the new velodrome in the east end, "On yer bike."

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