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At their convenience

GLASGOW band Deacon Blue are back touring, 25 years after their first album.

Ronnie Buchanan in Larkhall tells us his brother-in-law was in the gents during the break at their concert last week, when two well-dressed ladies appeared saying they weren't waiting in the lengthy queue at the ladies.

Says Ronnie: "A cubicle was duly made available and they both squeezed in. In the confused silence that followed a lone male voice shouted, 'Mind ladies when yer done, leave the seat up'."

Saucy question

IT'S that time of year when company canteens serve up traditional Christmas dinners. A Glasgow office worker tells us he was queuing at his staff canteen this time last year when the wee wummin behind the counter asked the customer in front of him holding a plate of turkey and chipolatas: "Do you want to put the gravy on yirsel?"

It was too good an opportunity to miss as the chap replied: "Naw – it'll ruin the suit. Just put it oan the turkey."

Career break

AND Christmas Party nights are in full swing at hotels around the country. Martyn James, compere and magician at The Leapark Hotel in Grangemouth, told the audience the other night that he had changed his career to showbusiness after a serious accident. He says he suffered a broken neck – and "hasn't looked back since".

Franking sense?

READER Davie Adams was seeking religious-themed postage stamps for his Christmas cards rather than the red-nosed reindeer ones more readily available. Says Davie: "The assistant in one Post Office told me he had offered a woman either reindeer or Madonna and Child stamps. 'Aw, gie us Rudolf,' she replied, "Ah cannae staun' that Madonna wumman, takin' thae weans away frae Africa.'"

Belly laugh

THE Smeddum Test, an anthology of award-winning contemporary Scottish poetry, includes Sheila Templeton's Last Train to Ayr which she wrote after being unable to get on a train to Ayr from Glasgow as it was packed with Scottish football fans after a game at Hampden.

Says Sheila: "It was just impossible to squeeze another body in. Nothing unusual in that, of course, but as I stood there on the platform, extremely frustrated, I had to laugh, watching the train ticket man literally running along, physically pushing in big bellies so that the electronic doors would close. I'd never seen anyone do that before."

Yes, the beer belly as poetic inspiration – only in Glasgow.

Marriage lines

THE difficulties of legislating for same-sex marriages was being discussed at an Ayrshire golf club where one of the stalwarts sadly opined: "I'm more in favour of some sex marriages."

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