GERRY McCulloch was in a cafe in Rothesay when an unruly young lad started firing plastic arrows from a toy bow around the cafe much to the trepidation of the diners.

Finally one of the so-called responsible adults with the urchin shouted: "Haw Jack! Stop that!"

However, Gerry's relief was temporary, as the adult then added: "Yur no' haudin' it righ' . Here, let me show ye how."

Panda-monium

THE news story from Scotland that was flashed around the world was of course the suggestion that Edinburgh Zoo panda Tian Tian is pregnant.

Naturally a cynical reader commented: "She's probably just trying to get a cooncil hoose."

But a worried Lanarkshire reader tells us: "I'm currently showing all the signs that I'm expecting panda cubs. Appetite has increased, I've put on weight, and I'm sleeping a lot in the afternoons. Should I be worried?"

Fringe thoughts

THE EDINBURGH Fringe continues, and entertainer Sandi Toksvig revealed that she recently visited Gaberone, the capital of Botswana, and was a guest at a convent.

Naturally she has already worked out the title of the book if ever anyone writes about the convent.

Yes, that's right - The Nuns of Gaberone.

Chilling out

MANY foreign visitors in Edinburgh of course, and some struggle with local customs. Vivien Pauling was behind a group of Japanese tourists in a Princes Street shop who were seeking some hot food.

Now you have to fetch what you want from the cabinet and staff will heat it for you. But the poor Japanese folk asking for hot food were stumped when the assistant told them: "Over in the cold chill."

Words of warning

THE Rev John Gillies tells us: "While watching Cbeebies programmes on children's television with my grand-daughter, I was amazed to see a young presenter working with a puppet called Joaby and another with a squirrel called Skitter.

"Surely they must have at least one Scottish person who might have told them what these words mean?"

Mysterious match

NEWS that Celtic had drawn the little-known Kazakhstan side Shakhter Karagandy in a Champions League qualifier had football fans across Scotland scratching their heads.

As Ross McKay reveals to us: "Important fact - Shakter Karagandy can be sung pleasingly to the tune of Coulter's Candy. That's all I know about them."

Derby disaster

TALKING of football, the Edinburgh derby between Hearts and Hibs yesterday wasn't a classic.

As Glaswegian Douglas Barrie rather harshly, yet astutely, put it: "The Edinburgh derby is a bit like one of those free Edinburgh Festival shows you go to in the hope of finding a hidden gem, but it ends up being really rubbish."

In a flash

DAFT gag from the weekend - "I've got some good advice for the camera shy.

"Use coconuts instead."