THE SNP's White Paper on independence is a big talking point of course.

A reader down south phones to tell us: "If you Scots send the nuclear submarines to England then you can have my Scottish wife back in return. She knows how to go ballistic as well."

Axe the polecats!

THE SNP launch reminds a party activist in Aberdeen of another busy time years ago when they were collecting signatures for a petition against the Poll Tax. A member gave his spiel at the door, the householder signed the petition, and then asked: "I didnae ken we wis bathered wi' polecats here."

A fishy story

TALKING of misunderstandings, Jim McGugan in Angus was going shopping for an elderly neighbour who had asked for salmon Friskies, a well known brand of cat food. As the shop didn't have the little biscuits in salmon flavour, Jim opted for the meat Friskies instead. When he handed over the messages to his neighbour, the old chap looked baffled and asked: "What am I going to have for my tea? Where's the salmon fishcakes?"

Language of love

MORE on heart patients recovering. David Donaldson tells us: "It reminds me of the classic French joke about a man recovering from ' un infarctus' who asked his doctor when it would be safe to make love again. 'In about three weeks … and only with the wife,' came the reply."

This one'll get you smiling

A READER in Alloa tells us his grandchildren in Bridge of Weir have already worked out what their future careers will be. The six-year-old says she wants to be a teacher. Fair enough, he thinks. The four-year-old says she wants to be a tooth fairy.

The hoarse whisperer

A READER on a train into Glasgow heard a student talk to his pal about an exam he had recently sat.

"The girl in front of me was whispering to herself throughout the whole exam."

"That must have been annoying," said his pal.

"Worse than that," said the student, "she wasn't whispering loud enough so I could hear what her answers were."

A step too far

WHAT is the most politically correct show at this time of year, asks a reader. Well what about the Tramway art space on Glasgow's south side which is putting on its Christmas show The Red Shoes from next Wednesday. So as not to offend any non-Christians at this time of year, the Tramway describes The Red Shoes as "honouring winter in a non-commercial way allowing non-religious and diverse cultures to connect with a 'Christmas' event." Sounds fun.

Green fingered

A SOUTH side reader tells us she told her husband that she was going to cook pak choi for dinner. He replied that he didn't know what that was, so she held it up to show him.

In a typical Glasgow way he told her with a hint of disappointment: "It sounded so fancy too. Yet at the end of the day it's just something green."