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Best view in the house

THE old Odeon cinema in Glasgow's city centre will be knocked down next month.

Nostalgia fans will recall queuing round the block, and being entertained, if memory serves, by an old chap in a red tartan suit and tammy playing two penny whistles at once – albeit badly.

Our favourite Odeon story was when the Beatles played there and a policewoman on crowd duty outside sneaked in to see the Fab Four. As she craned her neck, a chap told her: "If you stand in front of me you'll get a better view." It was the Chief Constable.

Any other Odeon stories?

Long, dark night

LATEST cinema favourite is the unfathomably successful Twilight film. As one cinema-goer told us: "I went to see Twilight, but it was ruined by some annoying girl talking the whole way through.

"Kristen Stewart I think her name was."

Too much hot air

AS ithers see us. Morag Buist overheard American tourists in an Argentinian bar last week, discussing Europe.

"Scotland is ruined," one declared. "They've covered it with windmills."

Only the lonely

IT'S hard being a comedian these days. Alan Lang was in his local butcher's in Helenburgh when the chap in front noticed a single slice of square sausage left on the tray and announced: "It looks a bit forlorn."

As no-one said anything, he added: "Lorne! Ah well, please yourselves."

Time for T

JOHN Bannerman notices the Paris Match restaurant in Kilmarnock has a very large banner outside advertising its menu which starts with the item: "Starers". In case anyone thought these were dishes for folk who had trouble blinking, someone has written below it: "Nae Teas!"

His and hers

FOSTER Evans sends us an advertisement from trading giant Amazon with Christmas gift suggestions. Under For Him it has listed: "Business books, political biographies and sports calendars". Under For Her it suggests: "Baking books, celebrity biographies and animal calendars." Foster is still trying to work out if the company is dreadfully sexist or genuinely helpful.

Go anywhere, anytime

HERALD columnist Tom Shields was writing this week about the advantages of buying a Skoda car. Those of you who have ever phoned for a private hire cab will get the point Russell Martin from Bearsden makes: "I too acquired a Skoda recently. Mine is the slightly larger Octavia, which also has the advantage that you can drive it in the bus lanes in Glasgow."

Rock solid

WE were watching a council workie blow a batch of leaves off the pavement the other day which reminds us of the classic, ie old, gag of the chap who told his mates he had to go to hospital after his wife threw an oak leaf at him.

When his incredulous pals said a leaf couldn't hurt you, he told them: "It does when it comes from the dining room table."

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