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Bird-brained clean up

A READER heading for his train in Central Station watched as an agitated woman went up to a chap on the concourse and angrily complained that a pigeon had used her jacket as a toilet, and would the rail company pay for her dry cleaning.

The chap calmly answered that the pigeon was an interloper from Queen Street Station, but nevertheless he would shoot it for her.

What made the scenario even more amusing for our reader was the fact that the chap, although wearing a dark suit, was not a member of railway staff but was merely heading for his train as well.

Bite-sized bag

A SHOPPER in a cheap and cheerful store in Sauchiehall Street heard the old lady next to him show a handbag she was considering purchasing to her pal and tell her: “It’s just right. It’s got two ootside pockets – wan fur ma phone, and wan fur ma teeth.”

“You never see that mentioned in the Mulberry adverts,” says our shopper.

Starry nights

WEST End bar conversations are often fascinating. A young woman arrived back from the crowded bar on Friday night and told her pals at the table: “Would you believe that the guy at the bar managed to guess my star sign was Cancer straight away!”

Her more cynical pal replied: “I take it you had already told him your name was June.”

“Why?” replied her baffled pal.

Time, gentlemen, please

WE asked for your shipyard stories, and Joe O’Rourke in Port Glasgow recalled: “I remember as a shop steward being sent for by the manager with one of the caulker burners. When we entered the office the manager had all these papers on his desk, he said, ‘Danny, that’s your timekeeping record for the last two years. In that time you’ve only worked one Monday. How do you explain that?

“‘I must have been skint that Monday,’ said Danny.”

Under starter’s orders

AND Jim McDonald in Carluke reminds us of being an apprentice in Fairfield’s in the 60s when he was told there was a journeymen v apprentices road race between Govan Cross and Shieldhall, with the journeymen being given three yards of a start because of the age difference.

The wind-up continued until the penny dropped that the three yards of a start were Harland and Wolf, Fairfield’s and Alexander Stephens.

Tickets to the UCS work-in memorial concert on October 1 for our favourite yarn.

Hair-raising stuff

THE joker in the bar claimed: “The wife was screaming that she was sick and tired of her hair blowing in her face. I told her to get a grip.”

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