AS SCOTLAND drags itself back to work after the New Year, a woman in Renfrewshire is heard complaining to friends:
"I think that Scotland is awash with toxic lemons - every time I have a drink with lemon, I'm ill the next day."
Hard times
IT'S not a good time of year to go to the bank either it seems. David Will in Milngavie tells us: "Taking money out of my local hole-in-the-wall I was surprised to see a string of rosary beads lying on the ledge next to the machine. Is it a Bank of Scotland initiative to comfort customers seeking the post-Christmas balance of their accounts?"
Going with the flow
THE weather has had many folk on Scotland's coastline battening down the hatches. A chap who lives on the front in Troon was telling the men in his local at the weekend as the high tide battered the promenade: "I'm thinking I should move the car from its parking space on the front."
"No need," piped up a voice. "The waves will do it for you."
Bye bye guitar
SINGER Phil Everly of the Everly Brothers has died at the age of 74. A reader remembers when the brothers were performing at Glasgow's SECC and a string broke on Phil's guitar. Without a pause he merely lobbed the instrument in a perfect 20ft arc over the keyboard player's head and a roadie caught it perfectly. The Herald's reviewer wrote it was a shame the SECC itself often failed to catch any atmosphere in its cavernous maw.
Not to be sneezed at
A READER attending a family wedding in North Carolina tells us the wedding cake shop used by the family has a sign saying people should pay for the added security of having the wedding cake delivered to the venue rather than picking it up themselves. The shop gives as an example of how things can go wrong: "One cake was given to the grandmother to hold in the front seat. Unfortunately, the sweet lady had a terrible cold. The bride brought cake back to us because Grandma sneezed and she needed the cake re-iced."
Neigh chance
TALKING of New Year, a reader cheekily opines: "It is the Chinese New Year on January 31 when it will become the Year of the Horse. I wonder what Tesco's food department will bring out to mark that?"
Clear indications
WE asked how the Highway Code should be updated in 2014, and Jane Ann Liston in St Andrews suggests: "Double yellow lines can be ignored if you drive your vehicle partly on to the pavement and/or switch on your hazard lights."
Fits the bill
A COLLEAGUE came over to reminisce about his childhood, and told us: "My mum always read me the riot act. It was the worst ever bedtime tale."
Name of the game
WE liked all the entries for Scottish TV programmes so we had to pick the winner at random from all the ones we published. Thus the rather splendid prize of dinner for two at Glasgow's Urban Bar and Brasserie in St Vincent Place goes to west-ender David Donaldson who suggested Springburn Watch - life in north-east Glasgow taken from CCTV cameras, and The Weakest Rink which mocks poor curlers.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to enter. Always appreciated.
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