Breaking new ground

Ken Smith

Diary Editor

Friday 11 November 2011

THE strange thoughts of aged aunts.

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Ken Smith

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A West of Scotland reader reveals: “I was back in the Gaidhealtachd for my Auntie Katie’s funeral. I was following the hearse for the mile’s drive to the graveyard, when from our back seat, another of the aunties broke the silence: ‘Katie’s never been to the new cemetery before’.”

Not on sparkling formDOUGLAS KINNAIRD from Glasgow had taken his wife to Edinburgh where they stopped in a bar for a drink. “What’s the prosecco like?” Mrs K asked the waiter, thinking she might try the sparkling wine.After some hesitation, the waiter replied: “I don’t know. I was on a training day when they explained all the wines, but I drank so much I don’t remember anything.” Silent treatmentA RUMOUR spread across Twitter this week that veteran Radio Clyde DJ Tiger Tim Stevens had died. He hadn’t.Curiously, in life imitating art, or something like that, Tiger lost his job as Celtic Park DJ when he announced before a European tie that there would be a minute’s silence. As the crowd wondered whether a former player or director had snuffed it, Tim added: “In memory of Rangers’ European Cup campaign, which was declared dead earlier today in Bulgaria” a reference to city rivals Rangers going out earlier that day to a last-minute goal.Everyone laughed -- apart from the directors it seems, as Tim was never asked back for microphone duties. No budging the budgieWE must put the cover over our budgie stories, but not before Jean Miller on Arran tells us: “I remember as a young girl living in the south side, we had a budgie come down the chimney. Weeks later, after asking neighbours if they knew who had lost a budgie without success, my dad spotted an ad in the Evening Times, that someone had lost a similar budgie in Maryhill.“When he read this out to my mum, she said, ‘Don’t be so silly, it would have to have flown past George Square, and the pigeons would have got it’. So we kept the budgie and had it for 17 years.” Fat chanceA JORDANHILL mother confesses to us that she came off her new exercise bike at home sweating profusely, only for her puzzled young daughter to ask: “Is that your fat crying?” Accentuate the positiveTHE Robert Morris Inn in America’s Maryland is looking for a big, confident, bearded, kilted Scot to chair their annual Burns Supper in January, and will fly the right person across -- Voltage Creative in Glasgow is doing the recruiting.Although they have Burns experts locally in America, it seems they would prefer someone with an authentic Scots accent. That of course reminds us of the classic, ie old, joke of the Scotsman asking the American where he came from.“From the greatest country in the world,” replied the American.“Funny,” said the Scotsman, “you’ve got the strangest Scottish accent I’ve ever heard.”

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