ELECTION news, and Stuart Wallace in Easglesham reads a story about the Tory candidate in his local newspaper under the headline "Jackson Carlaw Against The Incinerator." Says Stuart: "Great!
A wrestling bout will really liven up the election.”
On the button
IT was Mother’s Day on Sunday of course, and a chap in Holytown, Lanarkshire, was heard telling his mates: “I gave the wife a real treat on Mother’s Day – I allowed her to use the TV remote for 10 minutes.”
All of a twitter
JIM Laughlan in Fife went into his local convenience store where he asked if they had any Bird’s Custard. The look of puzzlement on the assistant’s face finally disappeared when he asked Jim: “Do you mean Trill?”
As this T-shirt (pictured below) suggests, not everyone is taking this month’s royal wedding seriously. Even that British institution John Lewis is selling Wills and Kate souvenirs which include a plate stating “Thanks for the free day off”.
Glasgow’s Stand comedy club is putting on a special show on the day of the wedding for those sick of the occasion. It’s called Off With Their Heads, which is perhaps a bit too bloodthirsty even for republicans.
THE philosopher in the Renfrewshire golf club bar last week opined: “We all thought that by 2011 we would have flying cars and robot servants. Instead we’ve invented body-length blankets with sleeves, and rubber-bands shaped like animals.
“Where did it all go wrong?”
THE chaps at Glasgow’s refurbished Pot Still bar in Hope Street are putting up bottles of malt for your best pub stories. Taking first prize for nostalgia is Jamie Kelly who recalls in the sixties, when but a lad, the local pub paid one penny for returned beer bottles. Says Jamie: “My brother spotted that the pub stored the crates of empties in an open shed at the rear. Of course, our entrepreneurial instincts were aroused, and we drip-fed the barman his own bottles for a few pennies a week. Only when we took back a dozen or so did he realise we were not buying any of the stuff, and where did the empties come from? It was the ultimate recycling programme.”
More prized malt available from the Pot Still for your best pub stories.
OUR tale about airplane seat allocation reminds a reader of flying to Florida with the family on holiday when the announcement was made: “A passenger is refusing to take her seat as she wants to sit next to her companion. Would any passenger care to relinquish their seat?”
There was no response, so the next announcement was: “If no-one gives up their seats, the plane will be delayed while the passengers disembark and their luggage is unloaded”.
Our reader put his hand up and was asked if his family were giving up their seats.
“No, I’m volunteering to help unload their luggage,” he announced.
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