A WESTENDER noticed a chap trying car doors in her street and telephoned the police.
Rather than just give a description, she, in a west end kind of way, drew a portrait of his distinctive features, and a drawing of him in side profile for good measure. She was a bit crestfallen about her portraiture talents when the police officer took the drawings and said: "So there were two of them?"
Shaggy dog story
REMINISCING about the Edinburgh Fringe, actor Tom Barratt recalls appearing in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar one year and going out in the streets dressed as a Roman senator in order to publicise the play. Striking a meaningful pose he was surprised that passing members of the public were laughing. As Julius Caesar is not one of Shakespeare's obvious comedies Tom was a bit perplexed, until he looked round and saw an Edinburgh mutt standing on three legs and urinating on Tom's toga.
Join our club
RANGERS have been replaced in the SPL fixtures just list published by the slightly anonymous Club 12. However a reader points out that the website at Club12.org is for a meeting place in Texas for alcoholics to keep them off the streets. So no connection at all with Scottish football then.
Oh, and some Rangers fans, in order to claim Club 12 as their own, have renamed it Club 12/7 – the date of the Battle of the Boyne, so no connection there with Scottish football either.
Reach for the top
WHILE the media has been amused by Glasgow-born writer Armando Iannucci's OBE, and his Twitter spat with Alastair Campbell over whether he should have accepted it, customers at the Glasgow cafe Ecco 808 at Anniesland Cross, run by Armando's brother, David, have been wondering what's next for Armando. One was heard at the weekend musing: "I quite like the sound of Il Duce Iannucci."
Glimmer of sunshine
A READER tells us he was puzzled when he asked his wife: "What do you fancy this summer, Spain or Portugal?" and she squealed with excitement: "Oh I'd love Portugal."
As he told us: "I was only going to put a pound bet on for her for the Euro championships, so it hardly seemed worthwhile getting that excited."
AS England face Ukraine tonight in the match which will decide if they go through to the next round of the Euro championships, Rod MacCowan muses on England's last match when they beat Sweden. Says Rod: "Can the Diary confirm that England beat Sweden because of the Ikea Boys' poor tactics. It's alleged their formation included a flatpack four in defence, slow to assemble and with obvious gaps."
A SCOT working as a teaching assistant in England had asked her primary five class to write letters to the Queen to celebrate the Jubilee. One lad started his letter: "Yorat Queen" so the puzzled assistant asked: "What does this mean?"
He replied: "Y'all right, Queen."
"No," replied the Scots assistant, "disrespect to the monarch, fair enough, but I'm not having spelling like that."
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