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Careless whisper

A COMMON complaint from wives is that lazy husbands don't put things away.

As a Rutherglen reader tells us: "My wife tripped over my golf bag after I'd left it in the hall.

"As she rubbed her ankle she called me a stupid clot.

"I don't think I helped the situation by telling her she was only adding insult to injury."

Class act

A TEACHER draws our attention to the schoolbook PE Lesson Plans Year One, which is an aid to teachers taking their young charges to gymnastic classes.

It is written by the appropriately named Jim Hall.

Beggar and better

STREET mendicants in Glasgow are usually a pitiful sight, sitting on a piece of cardboard, asking for change from passers-by.

However a Glasgow reader tells us he was walking past one such beggar when the person in front of him told the chap: "Sorry," and kept on walking.

The chap sitting on the pavement shouted after him: "Aye, I'll be sorry too when I've got money."

Slogans run

OUR tales of punning company names remind William Kerr in Troon of the Ayrshire coal merchant named Forrest whose slogan was "You Can't Beat A Forrest Fire". Then there is Troon garage AG Peters whose breakdown truck carries the slogan "If Your Car Peters Out, Call Peters Out."

Fuel's gold

CAR manufacturer Vauxhall is advertising that any new car bought this week will qualify for £500 worth of petrol.

"Or enough to get you home, then," says a reader.

Out of focus

JIM Montgomery in Wemyss Bay sends us the latest newsletter from Royal Gourock Yacht Club which states: "Due to unforeseen circumstances the event below is cancelled.

"Friday 16 November – An evening in the company of Joan Charles, clairvoyant."

Colourblind

OUR story of the BBC pixilating the name "Black Bitch" from the Linlithgow pub sign reminds Jim Scott: "A friend of mine who played in various brass bands went to work in the USA, for a company in Silicon Valley.

"His electronic copy of the Brass Band News was blocked as it contained references to Black Dyke Band."

Senior service

HILARY Boyd's novel Thursdays In The Park has become a bit of a bestseller, depicting as it does pensioners having an affair.

It somehow reminds us of the elderly couple where the wife asked her partner: "Do you want to go upstairs for some great sex?"

Her unfit husband replied: "You'd better choose – I can't do both."

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