A TYRE fitter on Glasgow's south side was dealing with a customer who was complaining that her front tyres seemed to wear down awfully quickly, so he suggested that in future she rotate them to lengthen their life.
The puzzled woman asked him: "But don't they rotate automatically as I'm driving?"
A WARNING on Burns Night of what can go wrong from Ian Lyell at Mauchline Burns Club who tells us they once had a speaker who discovered he had accidentally double booked that night with an event in Greenock. Says Ian: "Undeterred he decided to tackle both, with Greenock first. Unfortunately the Immortal Memory in Mauchline did not begin until around midnight. Community singing was beginning to drag by then."
OUR story about tattooing elicited from a reader: "Surely the last thing you want to hear from a tattooist finishing work on your back, is the question, 'Eagle? I thought you said beagle'."
A GLASGOW lawyer swears on oath to us that a recidivist appearing at a Justice of the Peace Court for some drink-related crime was told by the exasperated JP that the accused had been appearing before him for the past ten years.
The accused merely replied: "It's not my fault you can't get promoted."
Degree of truth?
THE merits of going to university were being discussed in a Byres Road cafe the other day, with one learned sage opining: "University. Being unemployed, except your parents are proud of you."
Oh, the barter
A WEST End reader attending a recent Partick Thistle match heard a young chap ask a scarf seller how much they were, and was told they were £7.
"I'll give you a tenner for two of them," the fan then offered.
"This is Maryhill," the vendor replied. "No' the kasbah."
Below the belt
THE political manoeuvres to stop MPs taking a vote on whether Britain's time zone should be changed was compared in the Commons "to the attitude that delayed the abolition of slavery, and stopped Samuel Plimsoll from getting a white line painted on ships to make sure that they did not turn over because they were overladen."
That remark reminded a reader of when he worked on fitting out submarines. It was a regular feature, he tells us, to wind up the apprentices by asking them to calculate where to put the Plimsoll line on a submarine.
AS it is Burns Night we have reprised our Scottish haikus – the short poem of five, seven, and five syllables, with Brian Cairnduff suggesting:
If he had written
Haikus we would drink far less
Whisky on Burns Night.
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