WILLIE Gibson, on holiday in the Cayman Islands, that well known tax haven, enjoyed the local guide's irreverent take on the fact that although the island has only a population of 54,0000, it is the fifth largest financial centre in the world.
Said the guide: "Much to the annoyance of the Governor, local politicians and finance bosses, the local people call the 300 banks on the island, 'the laundrettes'."
WE ARE always keen to hear about variations to the traditional Burns Night on the 25th of this month. So we are much taken with the learning difficulties charity Enable Scotland holding a fire-walk across 20 feet of red-hot coals at Springfield Quay in Glasgow on the night.
We don't wish to put people off, but we should point out that Enable are calling it the "Third Degree Burns Night".
JEHOVAH'S Witnesses continued. Martin Morrison in Lochinver says: "The best response to being door-stepped by Jehovah's Witnesses is, 'Well, I'm a Jehovah's Bystander. I didn't see anything and don't want to get involved'."
AND presumably a believer in the "if you can't beat them, join them" dictum, Jim Scott's brother-in-law in the US was just about to have dinner when his phone rang with a marketing call.
Says Jim: "The guy started on his spiel about this unbelievable offer he was going to make, and my brother-in-law said, 'Just before you go on, can I ask you a question? Has God entered your life yet?'
"There was a bit of stuttering and stammering, then the dial tone."
THE assistant head who disliked working in a room which had "Ass Heads" written on the door reminds a Dundee teacher of when a member of staff was promoted to Assistant Rector (Social Education).
As it was a lengthy title, the initials were used on his door instead, until he read them and hurriedly had them removed.
DAFT line of the week – a girl came out of a Glasgow store and told her pal: "I almost wet myself when I read what someone had written on a door in there."
"What was it?" said her pal, an expectant smile already forming on her lips.
"Toilet closed," she replied.
Is that clear?
A YOUNG reader phoned yesterday to tell us that it was Soundcheck Day.
When we asked what he meant, he replied: "1-2. 1. 1-2."
BUSINESS news, and the value of shares in supermarket giants Tesco fell by £4bn. yesterday. "Surely not all down to light-fingered chef Andrew Worrall Thompson," asks an anxious celebrity-watching reader.
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