ROYAL visits continued.

Says Willie McKee: "Many years ago I was installing 6ft computer cabinets at Yarrow's flash new design suite on the Clyde, to be opened by Prince Charles. At the last minute the security chief realised I hadn't been security cleared, so he locked me in one of my cabinets."

Cheap shot

MY colleague Tom Shields always had a list of rules when flying with Ryanair, including "Don't speak until you're spoken to." I was reminded of this when Edinburgh reader Peter Henry told The Diary: "I was boarding a Ryanair flight from Edinburgh to Faro, and thought I might have a bit of banter with the air hostess as I entered the plane: "Any chance of an upgrade?" I inquired.

"Try another airline," came the swift response.

A feast of music

NASHVILLE singer/songwriter Eef Barzelay, who played a great gig in Glasgow recently, plans to record an EP of songs from The Sound of Music, no less. We liked his description of what it would sound like. "Imagine Julie Andrews," he said, "after too many beers and a belly full of hot chicken."

Cat flap

MORE on Glasgow's St Mungo's Academy and infamous belter Farmer Kelly. Says Paul Cortopassi in Bonnybridge: "He was not the most popular teacher as he belted you at the slightest provocation. He was also a dedicated follower of Queen's Park FC - or the 'jolly old Queens' as he called them. One day he heard a strange noise from his desk and when he opened it a distraught cat jumped out and ran round the room.

"We waited with baited breath for the expected carnage when one bright lad shouted… 'Look sir, it's a black and white cat - it supports the jolly old Queens!' 'So it is, so it is,' agreed Farmer, and class resumed without the anticipated summary executions."

Gospel music

CHRISTINE Martin was passing a music shop on South Bridge, Edinburgh, where a sign in the window said a small harp was for sale. Added at the bottom of the sign was "With case. And a free pass to Heaven."

Team talk

WE mentioned Ian McMurdo's just-published book, The Juniors - The Story of Cumnock Juniors Football Club. In it Ian explains that Willie McVake, the Cumnock treasurer, has a younger brother, Alex, who played on the wing for Pollok. When Cumnock played Pollok, Alex's mother called Cumnock skipper Bobby McCulloch over before the kick-off and warned him that if he laid a boot on son Alex she would dish out retribution with her umbrella.

"Well, I hope you had your porridge this morning Mrs McVake," replied Bobby as he trotted off.

Eureka, hen

HISTORICAL quotes through Scottish eyes:

"Hey Archimedes! The bath's runnin' ower again" - His mother (Carl Williamson).

"So much for Maw telling me to put on clean underpants" - General George Custer (Graham Scott).

"Ta ta the noo" - Captain Oates, the Scott South Pole expedition (Russell Smith).

Love letters

A GLASGOW chap was being asked how he was getting on with the girl he had recently met. "She texted me, 'Your lovely'," he explained to his pals, "and I texted back, 'No, YOU'RE lovely'. Now I can't get rid of her, even though all I was doing was correcting her grammar."