Comfortably dumb

Ken Smith

Diary Editor

Monday 5 December 2011

WE hear of a young chef at a prestigious Glasgow restaurant, recently arrived from Barra.

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Ken Smith

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Out he went for Christmas drinks at the weekend, hailing a taxi after reaching an advanced state of refreshment. Unfortunately unable to enunciate, and unsure where he actually stayed, he struggled to communicate where he was going. Fortunately the taxi driver recognised his Western Isles accent and duly drove him to the Park Bar, the haunt of exiled Gaels, where he paraded said chef around the bar until someone recognised him and explained where he stayed.

Paws and effectThe arrival of the pandas at Edinburgh Zoo is already entering our collective wisdom. Combining their knowledge of both the bears and Edinburgh parsimony, a quiz team at the Brown Bull in Lochwinnoch last week was named You'll Have Had Your Bamboo Shoots. Won't get fooled againSANTAS continued. David Macleod in Lenzie tells us: "When he was four I took my boy to see Santa at Palacerigg, the petting farm. Santa asked his name. 'You know my name,' my boy said. 'I told you yesterday at nursery.'"Short shriftLISBON Lion goalie Ronnie Simpson's posthumous induction into Scottish football's Hall of Fame reminds Russell Kyle of when Ronnie and fellow player Bobby Lennox were at a Celtic fans convention when Bobby was asked how good Jock Stein had been as a manager. Nodding at his diminutive fellow ex-player, Bobby replied: "Jock was that good he turned a dwarf into a great goalkeeper."No sympathy for the devilOUR tale of the lawyer donating blood brings forth the terse enquiry from reader Jim Scott: "Whose was it, and had he taken it in payment for a bill?" Stars in her eyesOUR best wishes go to boxing promoter Alex Morrison, whose gym in the east end of Glasgow went up in flames last week. We remember Alex telling us that when 6ft 3in, black heavyweight champion Frank Bruno officially opened the gym, Alex and some friends took Bruno out for dinner, where a woman asked for his autograph. She returned to her table where her pal, not a boxing fan, thought someone in her family might want his signature, and came over to the table of six average-looking Glaswegians and Bruno, loudly asking: "Which one of you is Frank Bruno?"Tall talesOUR technology correspondent tells us: "It was once believed that the most common lie is: 'I'm fine.' However this is now believed to have been overtaken by: 'I have read and agreed with the terms and conditions.'"Age concernsTHE chap who said he was so old he remembered when The X Factor was Roman sunscreen reminds Gordon McRae: "A gentleman who attends a senior citizens' club in Edinburgh insists one of his compatriots is so old she can remember when the Pentland Hills were being built."Still searching for Christmas presents? Ken Smith will be signing copies of the new Herald Diary book at Waterstone's branch in Argyle Street, Glasgow, on Thursday at noon.

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Comfortably dumb

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