A NEWS story yesterday revealed that the Scottish Hair and Beauty Awards being held at the Thistle hotel in Glasgow ended in a bit of a stramash with ball-gowned women fighting and baring their bums.

As one reader asks: "Glasgow hairdressers? Do you think anyone shouted out ' Tongs Ya Bass'?"

Rollin' in the aisle

READER Robert White, from Kirkcudbright, was on a late night bus in Glasgow when two women came on, slightly unsteady, but still carrying shopping bags. Says Robert: "The bus stopped sharply and one of them yelled, 'Ma tomatas are rollin doon the bus'. Her shopping bag had spilled. I picked up two tomatoes and said, 'They're a wee bit bruised and dirty. You'll not be able to eat them now.'

"Och son. That's okay. They're no fur me. They're ma man's. He'll no ken they've been rattling aboot the bus'."

The smell of excess

GLASGOW'S old sludge boats which carried human waste out to sea, were being discussed at Jim Morrison's bowling club, where one worthy said he had worked on the SS Dalmarnock in the nineties. "Was it not a bit smelly?" he was asked.

"A bit, at times," he replied. "But it was a great wee number, down the Clyde in the morning, back up in the afternoon, and for some reason I always got a seat to masel going home on the bus at night."

Crown topper

"DID you hear that the King of Spain had abdicated?" said the chap in the Glasgow pub the other night.

"Ah well," replied a fellow toper. "Another Juan bites the dust."

Games of chance

WRITER Hardeep Sing Kohli has been writing about his native Glasgow in the latest British Airways High Life magazine. Looking forward to the Commonwealth Games, he confidently stated: "We are destined to have an unforgettable summer."

He must have felt the need to qualify that however for those not used to the city. He added: "I use the term 'summer' more as a calendar reference than any indication of balmy/sun-soaked/blue sky meteorology."

Testing our patience

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to our desk and claims: "I converted my car to an off-road vehicle."

He then added: "That's what happens when you fail your MoT."

The weigh to go

THEY can be hard to impress, young children. A reader was telling his 12-year-old stepdaughter about the benefits of diet and exercise when she stopped him mid-sentence and said: "No offence, but you are always out cycling - and you're not exactly the slimmest."

"There's no reply to that," admits our reader.

Animal instinct

VIVIENNE Clore tells us: "I'm convinced I'm getting fat and grey.

"Do you think that makes me a hippochondriac?"

Sorry is the hardest word

IT can be tough being a teenage girl a reader tells us. He was walking behind two such girls in Buchanan Street, Glasgow, at the weekend when one told the other: "All I want for you to do is say sorry - even if you don't mean it."

Lennon's not Keane

Celtic fans have been trying to digest the news Roy Keane has decided to become the assistant manager at Aston Villa rather than manager at Parkhead. As Oldfirmfacts1 put it on Twitter: "Neil Lennon's glad to see Roy Keane turn the job down. 'It's no job for a fiery, controversial, ex-Celtic midfielder,' he insists."