ACTOR John Cairney, reflecting on his life in his latest book The Importance of Being, says he was in his local hairdresser's in Glasgow recently when a fussy woman complained about waiting for five minutes without being attended to.

"I've got to be in Comrie in an hour," she complained.

Writes John: "Tommy the hairdresser was unfazed, and in his typical Glasgow way replied, 'Have no fear Ma'am. Comrie's been there for a thousand years, and it's likely to still be there in an hour'."

Iron will

WE are still trying to track down the Scottish politician who was asked if he would wear a copy of the charity T-shirt supporting feminism, and who replied he would, once his wife had ironed it.

PIN money

PAYING for your plastic bags in Scottish shops is proving tricky. Joe O'Neill says he watched his brother at the self-service till in the supermarket when at the end of the transaction a keyboard appeared on the screen. Joe's brother thought it was for his payment, and typed in his PIN, - then wondered why the shop was trying to add more than £300 to the bill for plastic bags. The screen was asking him how many bags he had used at 5p a shot.

Still, at least Joe now knows his brother's PIN.

Left down-hearted

HOLIDAYS can be tricky. Alan Barlow in Paisley tells us: "Just back from a holiday in Spain. Realised I may have picked the wrong hotel when the evening entertainment started with line dancing, followed by bingo, where the top prize turned out to be a heart monitor."

Feeling sheepish

AND an Ayrshire reader reveals: "During a recent holiday in Wester Ross I was sitting in our hotel room poring over a map of the area when my wife said, over my shoulder, 'I love you' and I thought 'that's nice' until I realised she was pointing out the Isle Of Ewe."

Mother tongue

WE liked the response of Glasgow actress Michelle Gomez, who has a starring role in the recent episodes of Dr Who, who was asked in the Radio Times what her young son thought about his mum being on the show. Other mothers will sympathise with her reply: "I'm saving Doctor Who until Harry's older, and can no longer bear to talk to me. Then I'll whip it out, 'Look, your mother was cool once!' He's four and a half and likes shows about dinosaurs, which is proving very educational for his parents - ask me anything about triceratops."

Happy families

TALKING of television, Caroline Leitch on Bute muses: "Three children, their three single parents and their grandparents all living in the same house - an appalling reflection on conditions in Britain. Yes, it can only be Downton Abbey and Lord Grantham's family."

Dog's chance

MSP Kezia Dugdale is standing for the post of deputy leader of the Labour Party in Scotland. Says reader Paul Kerr: "I'd really love to hear newscasters telling us what the latest thoughts are from Deputy Dug Dale."

Taking the Michael

"ARE you going along to the Post Mortem Club?" a reader phones to ask.

"It's open Mike night," he adds before hanging up.