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Dead embarrassing

A NEWTON Mearns reader driving on the A83 stopped at the Rest And Be Thankful viewpoint, where a lone piper was playing a soulful lament, watched by a quiet yet appreciative audience.

When he finished he went into his case and brought out a container. Assuming he was passing it around for donations, our reader stepped forward, hand outstretched with a pile of coins, only to realise too late that the chap was unscrewing an urn and scattering the ashes of a loved one at the viewpoint.

It was an awkward few moments before our generous reader could slip away.

Palace murder invitation?

ACTRESS Angela Lansbury, as you will have read, has been made a Dame in the New Year's Honours List. A reader who spends too much time watching daytime television tells us: "Given her track record, is it not tempting fate inviting her to the Palace?"

Different throw from fans

IT was the Glasgow derby yesterday between Celtic and Partick Thistle. A Jags fan, knowing that Celtic supporters were criticised for ripping up seats at Motherwell, declared before the game in a stereotypical Partick Thistle fashion: "There'll be no seat-ripping from us. Instead, we'll be adorning our seats with statement throws and cushions!"

Nike's wedding winner

IRISH golfer and former world number one, Rory McIlroy, has announced his engagement to former world number one tennis player Caroline Wozniacki. Irish bookmaker Paddy Power has put Nike at 500/1 outsiders to design the wedding dress.

Twitter ye not

NEW Year brings pressures of its own. As James Martin tweeted yesterday: "Imagine if your first tweet of the year was a rubbish one. Oh drat."

Timely observation

A READER who was in the seething sales before the New Year wonders how confused the young girl in front of him in the shop was when her mother told her: "Just hang on a second - I'll be with you in a minute."

New rules for the road

WE asked for your suggestions to update the Highway Code and Stephen Gold recommends:

When on a cycle at a junction, always wait until the lights turn red before proceeding.

In all conditions, the speed limit for BMWs is 30mph higher than for everyone else.

Vehicles exhibiting a "Baby On Board!" sticker may park anywhere.

Half-inched joke

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to tell us rather cleverly: "Someone has just 1.27 centimetred my gag about rhyming slang and the metric system."

Independence TV (contd)

OUR final Scottish TV programmes after independence:

Dr Finlay's Facebook: Daily ramblings from an old country practitioner. (Stewart MacKenzie).

I've Been Framed: Reality show televised from Glasgow Sheriff Court. (Ian Barnett).

Come Fine With Me: Trawling the bus lanes of Glasgow with the council's roads department. (Dave Carson).

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