IN some school, imagines a reader, a teacher is asking the class: "If you had £10 and I took away £1, what would you have?" And a little boy puts his hand up and answers: "A bank account in Cyprus, miss."
DINING tales continued. Gregor Young recalls when his parents ran a hotel in Crieff, and a party of Americans was in the restaurant at the busiest time of the week, but were holding up proceedings by insisting on having every item on the menu explained to them. Gregor's dad went into Basil Fawlty mode when one of the ladies asked: "What's the chicken?" He couldn't stop himself from telling her: "A little bird that goes cluck, cluck, cluck."
Lamb to the slaughter?
YES, some golf is being played in Scotland, despite the weather. Alex Ross from Lochans was excited at having a birdie putt at the short 7th at Portpatrick, but he put it six feet past.
"Deid sheep" said his playing partner.
Alex looked at him blankly.
"Still ewe," he explained.
A READER tells us his teenage daughter was getting exasperated at her parents questioning her about her preparation for her upcoming school exams. "You sound like the Spanish Armada!" she shouted at them.
"So not going to do so well in history," thought her dad.
Morecambe was wise
EDINBURGH Festival stalwart Barry Cryer gives an insight into the shrewd mind of Eric Morecambe in this week's Radio Times.
"I worked on one of the Morecambe and Wise Christmas shows and Eric's instructions were – no reindeer, no tinsel, no Christmas trees. I asked why and he said, because otherwise it won't be repeated. He got it right – it was shown again at Easter."
Young at heart?
A READER swears to us that a young woman on his bus into Glasgow yesterday told a pal: "Tricky business dating. It's hard to tell how old anyone is these days. I've made some schoolboy errors."
WELL done St Mirren on winning the League Cup. It allows Andy Cameron to dust off a classic, okay very old, joke, when he tells us: "The Tile Bar in Paisley decided to give St Mirren fans a wee bonus for winning the cup and made every drink the same price as it was in 1959 when they beat Aberdeen 3-1 in the Scottish Cup.
"Half an hour after the doors opened the pub was empty and the owner went outside only to find a queue stretching back to Ralston. 'Come in', he said', the prices are all from 1959' only to be greeted with a chorus of 'Naw, we're waitin' for the happy hour'."
Please, blame Andy.
AND a reader working in London confesses the south has made him a bit of a softy. "I saw the St Mirren players going through Paisley in an open-top bus. I assume they were later treated for exposure and frostbite."
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