AH the madness of the panto. John Barrowman, as a kilt-wearing Buttons in Cinderella at the SECC, climbed into the audience to retrieve a string of toilet rolls he had launched through the air - you see, already we have a sentence that only makes sense in pantoland - and he climbed over the head of Alan Clements, head of content at Scottish Television and hubby of presenter Kirsty Wark. Alan's shaven head disappeared under John's kilt much to everyone's amusement. Someone later asked John what it was like having Alan's head below the belt as it were. "A bit scratchy" said John.

Incidentally, we always wonder what jokes the Krankies will get away with. Wee Janette told the tale of a woman being hung, who asked to be taken to the scaffold naked. Why would you even get on to that subject? Anyway as Janette innocently explained: "She told the hangman he could do whatever he wanted with her, as long as he kept his trap shut." Great stuff.

THE third Hobbit film, The Battle of the Five Armies, has just been released. Not everyone is impressed. A woman studying the posters outside an Edinburgh cinema was heard to remark: "If you want to see hairy-footed men running aboot, just come to my hoose."

OH what larks. A chap dressed as Santa was nicked by the cops after he climbed on to the back of the famous Duke of Wellington statue in Glasgow. Worried onlookers phoned the cops to see what had happened to Santa, and Police Scotland had to issue a statement later: "Don't worry. Christmas hasn't been cancelled. It wasn't the real Santa." So that's a relief.

NOT so Christmassy though was the Kublai Khan Mongolian restaurant in Leith which serves reindeer stakes amongst its more exotic dishes. The board outside the restaurant stated yesterday: "Warning. Santa will not arrive this year as we have Rudolph and his pals." Not very ho ho ho, really.

BOOKMAKER Coral's suspended betting on The Queen abdicating after a rash of bets. Buckingham Palace has laughed off the suggestion. But we do notice that rival bookmaker Paddy Power has obviously been thinking about what the Queen would do if she did abdicate. The company has her at 1000/1 to be the next Rangers manager.

NEWS that the United States is to restore diplomatic relations with Cuba reminds us of when former Labour Trade Minister Brian Wilson visited the Caribbean island and was presented with a bottle of Old Havana, Cuba's attempt at whisky, by President Castro himself. The Herald took it to a Glasgow bar for a tasting session and asked punters what they thought of it. One Glasgow toper took a swallow and declared it should be renamed Castro GTX.

OUR festive competition, to change one letter in a film title, takes on a particularly Scottish theme today.

Ice Cold Is Alex - Prospective MP dispassionately campaigns in Gordon (Howard Gibb).

Once Upon A Time In The Vest - Rab C. Nesbitt hits the big screen (Ian McAnulla).

Escape to Victors - Asylum seekers taken in by Still Game duo (John Samson).

Heartbreak Midge - Squad of elite soldiers suffer heavy casualties in the Highlands (Robert Struthers).

Mone with the Wind - Publicity-seeking bra manufacturer battles dyspepsia (Nick Hudson).

FED up with phone callers you don't want to speak to? A reader suggests: "If you answer your phone with, 'Hello, you're live on air', most people will just hang up."

Meal for two at the fashionable Western Club restaurant for the winner and a copy of the new Diary book, Another Stoater, for the runner-up.