More on toilet rolls.

 

Tom Thomson in Stirling recounts: "When building our new house we had painters in for three weeks, and the toilet paper was disappearing at a frightening rate. We then noticed that the sandpaper they used came in rolls, about the size of, well the size of a toilet roll. Substituting the roll of sandpaper, with four sheets of toilet paper wrapped around to disguise it, made them sit up (if not stand up) and take notice."

SPEAKING of tradesmen, artist Moose Allain cheers us up with: "Asked a plumber to give us a quote for our new bathroom. He said how about Picasso's 'the purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls?'"

WE thought the Christmas gags had stopped, but up pops John Mulholland with: "Every Christmas I ask my wife for one thing in particular and every Christmas she gives me socks. I must work on my pronunciation."

TALKING of Christmas, Rony Bridges tells us: "Heard a Santa in a Grotto ask a four-year-old boy what he would like to be when he grew up. The little lad answered that he would like to be 'an air accident crime scene investigator'.

"Whatever happened to engine driver or fireman?"

SOME weather yesterday. We saw one bin in Sauchiehall Street with four mangled and thrown-away umbrellas in it. Which reminds us of the two girls huddling under a petite ladies' umbrella in the rain in Glasgow, and a passing punter telling them: "I bet youse wished you'd a bigger umbrella - or wee'er heids."

WE didn't realise how tough it is being a student. A reader in a west end coffee shop heard a student getting a verbal onslaught from his mates for being late. He protested his innocence by declaring: "It's not my fault. It's my mum's fault. I told her to wake me up and she didn't."

NORMAN Ferguson was on the train into Glasgow when he heard a chap's phone ring, with the theme tune from The Exorcist. He answered it with a "Hi darling" as it transpired that he kept that ring-tone for calls from his wife.

MAKING interesting films by changing only one letter in a title:

The Big Sleet - Humphrey Bogart's visit to Dundee (Jim McGovern).

Murphy's Low - A Westminster career politician loses everything when he is conned into pursuing an impossible task (Ian Gartshore).

When Harry Met Lally - Younger Prince introduced to famous Glasgow Lord Provost (David Walker).

High Loon - Drug-taking in Aberdeenshire (Malcolm Campbell).

The Imitation Dame - Benedict Cumberbatch tries his hand at panto (George Frier).

Meal for two at the very elegant Western Club in Glasgow for the winner, and a copy of the new Diary book, Another Stoater, for the runner-up.

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt us with: "My favourite way of lying to myself is by choosing a deodorant with the world 'Active' or 'Sport' in the name."