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Dietary requirement

WE fear this could only happen in Scotland, but a teacher tells us he was discussing healthy eating with his third-year class this week.

"Can anyone name an eating disorder?" he asked.

"Please, sir, vegetarianism," came the reply.

It takes two ...

OUR tales of spelling difficulties remind Ken Gray of the classic yarn about the zoo manager who wrote to his animal supplier requesting "two mongeese". Says Ken: "That didn't look right so he tore it up and tried 'Please send two mongooses'. That didn't look right either so he tore that up as well and sent, 'Please send a mongoose. PS. While you're at it, please send another one.'"

Get a grip

COLONEL John Kelly, who recently retired as one of the most senior army officers in Scotland, was elected this week as Deacon Convener of Glasgow Trades House. He recalled that he even learned to play golf in the army when he was handed a club on the driving range and ordered to hit the ball. By some miracle it went straight in the hole, but the instructor told him: "That will never do. Your grip is all wrong."

Devil is in the detail

A FELLOW former officer, Major General Euan Loudon, speaking at the Trades House annual dinner, said he was fortunate to travel the world as director of the Edinburgh Tattoo to appraise military bands and performers who could appear at the event. In Brazil one government official pointed to the red devil inked on her wrist and asked him: "What's your festival got to do with body art?"

Time to catch up

THE story of the airport clock showing Islay as being three hours behind Glasgow, brings forth from Barney Macfarlane: "Having been to Islay, I think you will find the clock is actually three decades, three hours behind."

Sweet and sour

AUTHOR David Ross, in his latest book Auld Enemies, which light-heartedly investigates the differences between Scots and English, says Scots can sometimes be too canny for their own good.

He gives an example of the chap who complained to his pal he could never get a decent cup of coffee. When asked why, he explained: "Well when I'm at home I don't like to put more than one teaspoonful of sugar in, because of the cost. When I'm given coffee by someone else I always ask for three teaspoonfuls, to make the most of the chance. But I really only like coffee with two sugars."

Think again

OUR request for the sayings of grandparents has centred on their warnings about "see what thought did". The latest comes from Elizabeth Keenan, who tells us: "My Granny was known to say, 'see what thought did? Peed the bed and blamed it on the blanket.'"

Pay up

SPORTS news, and loans company Wonga is paying £24 million to sponsor Newcastle United over four years. Wonga officials are urging the Newcastle players to get on the pitch and give 4214%.

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