AIRPORTS can be very stressful places – which probably explains why a reader about to go through security at Glasgow Airport heard a track-suited traveller say to her companion after studying the various warning signs: "Is water counted as a liquid?"
Seize the year...
A TEACHER tells us she is desperate for the summer holidays after stopping two lads jostling in the school corridors whom she didn't recognise and asking them: "What year are you in?"
The braver of the two replied: "2012."
A LENZIE reader tells us he felt old when he tried to explain to his teenage daughter that in his day there were no comprehensive schools and you had to sit the 11-Plus to decide what school you went to. "Eleven plus what?" asked his daughter.
JIM Wilkie's 1979 album The Waxer, made with the band Cado Belle, is being re-released as a CD after Brian Young at Glasgow's Ca Va Studios rediscovered the original mastertapes and successfully converted them.
Jim, who also helped found the West Highland Free Press on Skye, has had a varied career since then.
He even worked briefly in a London lemonade factory which allowed our favourite folk singing raconteur Danny Kyle to come up with the terrible line to Jim: "I always knew you'd make it in the pop business."
Anyone for kayak?
AS summer threatens to arrive, eventually, we hear of the chap in the Fort William pub who was going to get his kayak out of his garage and prepare it for some river use. He was getting so enthused about the project that he declared that he thought he would paint it in some form of tartan to make it more eye-catching.
He went off the idea when the drole chap further up the bar commented: "Och aye, canoe."
MORE on the trouble caused by Russian and Polish fans clashing at the Euro Championships. An English fan phones to tell us: "Polish fans have been officially warned that if they cause any more trouble they will be deported back to the UK."
Let us prey?
THE guy in the pub who claimed his mate did bird impressions – as he took three hours to get ready – reminds John Park in Motherwell of the old joke : "'My wife is great at doing bird impressions,' says the bloke in the pub. 'She watches me like a hawk'"
AS CHARLES Green's takeover of Rangers went through yesterday, our Beckenham correspondent contacts us to reveal the rumour that the club's motto may now be changed from "Aye Ready" to "Nae Readies".
We moderate all comments on HeraldScotland on either a pre-moderated or post-moderated basis. If you're a relatively new user then your comments will be reviewed before publication and if we know you well then your comments will be subject to moderation only if other users or the moderators believe you've broken the rules, which are available here.
Moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours. Please be patient if your posts are not approved instantly.