Emergency cure

Diary Editor

Monday 16 January 2012

A MEMBER of staff at the charming country house hotel, the Best Western at Strathaven, battled to keep his face straight as an elderly lady having lunch last week told her fellow diner that when she had a migraine she "took two paramedics and lay in a dark room."

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Ken Smith

Matter of taste

RETIREMENT. Not everyone can adjust to it. A reader tells us of a friend recently retired who, at a loss for something to do, was in the kitchen watching his wife prepare the evening meal. When she cracked open a clove of garlic he interfered: "Don't be making that for me – I don't like garlic." After a pause, she replied: "Oh is that right? Well you've been eating it for 40 years."

Any other retirement stories?Telling the tooth?AS ithers see us. American chat show host Conan O'Brien last week: "The British Government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth." Surprise WitnessesTALES of Jehovah's Witnesses remind Bruce Mickel of a friend decorating his flat who was interrupted by two of the said doorstepperss in smart suits and ties.He merely told them he was busy, and unless they were willing to help he couldn't stop to listen to them.Says Bruce: "To his surprise, they were back in an hour in boiler suits and armed with paint brushes. To speed up the painting he suggested they do a room each, where they talked away alone. To this day he has no idea what the message was that they were bringing to him."Quiet timeA MANAGER in Glasgow who has a couple of young lads from the Hebridean islands on his staff knows they like to party at the weekend, and can be a bit under the weather come Monday. But for the past couple of weeks they've been bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at the start of the week.When he asked why, they said like to lay off the booze following a hefty New Year until Burns Night. One added that many of their friends do the same, and remarked: "We call this period the Highland Ramadan."Horse senseA GREAT night of music is planned for the UCS Work-in anniversary concert in the Old Fruitmarket next month as part of Celtic Connections. Reminiscing about the shipyards, cartoonist Bob Starret tells us about the shop steward who was handing out leaflets for the Communist Party.Says Bob: "The eccentric character, known to all in the yards as The Talking Horse, approached. Talking Horse announced that after giving it some thought he was now ready to join the Communist Party. With lightning speed the steward exclaimed, 'Sorry we're full up'."Bright ideaOUR mention of the Enable Scotland's charity fire-walking on Burns Night, which it calls the Third Degree Burns Night, reminds Jen Hogg in Netherless of American friends visiting in July who wanted to experience a Burns Night. So they called it a Sunburns Supper.

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Emergency cure

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