THE Dundee-Hamilton game was called off on Saturday due to a waterlogged pitch, which sounds like bad news for the Lanarkshire fans who made the trip.

But as one Hamilton pensioner told us: "I was unaware that 15 minutes into by bus journey from Glasgow the match was called off. On arrival at Dens Park I was met outside the Dundee Supporters' Club by a Dundee fan, and immediately huckled inside to be plied with free beers, sandwiches and sausage rolls before being set merrily on my way back to Glasgow by the next available bus.

"Not bad for a 50p booking fee for my concession bus ticket. And Accies didn't lose!"

Tight spot

A READER in a Sussex bar tells us the Scottish reputation for meanness is even exploited by native Scots. He was in his local where there was a dispute between drinker and barman on whether he had proffered a £10 or a £20 note for his drink. Our reader then heard the toper tell the barman: "I'm Scottish, so I know exactly how much money I had."

Faced with this irrefutable logic, the barman immediately gave him the change from a twenty.

Free enterprise

SIMILARLY Donald Park in Motherwell was on holiday in Tenerife where he got into conversation with a Glaswegian staying in a nearby hotel. Spotting that the Glasgow chap was wearing an "all inclusive" wristband for the hotel, Donald asked him why he was out paying for his drink in the bar.

"I'm not really all-inclusive," revealed the Glaswegian. "I just bought this band for 50 cents and wrote a room number on it with a felt tip pen. It saves me 35 Euros a day."

On the cards

A BEARSDEN reader was buying a card for a neighbour in hospital when his daughter asked with a certain logic: "Why does it say 'Get Well Soon' rather than "Get Well Now'?"

Sharp comeback

A READER wonders just how tough things are in Stornoway these days. On the Western Isles Freecycle page on Facebook where folk give away unwanted items or seek out something they could do with, an Amanda Macleod has asked: "Does anyone have a guillotine they no longer use?"

"Best ask a Frenchman," suggested a fellow islander.

Who's the daddy?

YOU may have missed David Cameron's gags at the Westminster Correspondents Dinner. Diary fans with good memories will recognise that this is a variation of a Diary story a few years ago. Anyway, the PM's version was: "I remember canvassing in a South Hampstead suburb with Boris Johnson during the London Mayoral election and this very attractive, middle-aged woman came to the door and said, 'Boris! Lovely to see you! You are the father of one of my children!' The white hair stood up on end. He said, 'Oh, God, oh cripes, oh. The media, what do you want? Is it money?'

"She said, 'No, you are the father of one of my children! I'm her maths teacher'."

Auld alliance

YES the Burns Suppers have begun, bringing some fun into a gloomy January, with speakers trying to draw modern parallels with the life of Rabbie. As Donald Grant in Paisley tells us: "The speaker during The Immortal Memory at the Paisley Hospice Burns Supper referred to Rabbie having been made to sit on the 'Fornicator's Stool' in full view of his church's congregation. He then made an aside that fortunately for President Hollande they don't have that in France."