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Fare do

PENSIONERS love their free bus journeys.

A south side reader was behind two capering pensioners who were standing at the open door of a bus allowing each other to get on the vehicle before the other one. Eventually one gestured the other forward and said: "As I always say, age before beauty."

Our reader heard the impatient bus driver mutter behind his screen: "And as I always say, would someone get on the bloody bus."

Must be barking

SOME weather these last few days in Glasgow, especially for poor dog walkers who still have to go out. As one of them loudly remarked in Rouken Glen Park the other morning: "I'm sorry, but a man's best friend would never make him follow him around in the freezing cold, pick up his poo, and put it in a bag. Never."

That's desperate, Dan

CANADIAN comic Dan Bingham is coming to the Glasgow Comedy Festival to talk about discovering that he was adopted and that his birth parents came from Glasgow. Dan once explained that he first realised he could make people laugh when as a boy he did a talk in his school about how he and his cousins couldn't stop laughing during their grandmother's funeral.

We wonder if that was his first clue that he might actually be from Glasgow and not a straight-laced Canadian after all.

Plane genius

A READER flying to Dublin from Prestwick was behind two young lads who had to decide when they left the terminal whether to join the queue at the front stairs of the plane, or walk over to the queue at the rear entrance to the plane.

"Which queue?" one chap asked his pal.

"The rear," the lad answered emphatically. "You never hear of a plane reversing into a mountain."

Have a heart

YES, it's almost that time of year. A Prestwick reader reminds us of the Diary story about the chap in the Glasgow pub who announced: "Got my Valentine's card delivered from Moonpig," to his fellow topers. "She hates me when I call her that," he added.

Any more Valentine's Day stories out there?

May day

WE mentioned the campaign to have a public holiday named after Margaret Thatcher. John Harding tells us she would not be the first politician to be so honoured. "Home Secretary Theresa May," he tells us, "already has a bank holiday named after her."

So fitting

TWO students in Byres Road were discussing how posh a fellow student from England in their class was. Eventually one of them declared: "He's that posh that the gym in his public school was actually known as the James."

Johnson jape

LONDON Mayor Boris Johnson regularly goes on Twitter to answer questions from Londoners. Inevitably many of the questions are not that serious. Among those he was asked, but didn't answer, yesterday were:

Would you give consideration to swapping the 75m down escalator in Angel station for a flume in the summer months?

I want to buy a house. Where should I sell my kidney and a limb?

When we're not actually rioting, will you use your new water cannon to put out fires, given how many fire stations we're losing?

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