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Fare enough

WE mentioned Allan Morrison's book Last Tram Tae Auchenshuggle which marks the 50th anniversary of the demise of the Glasgow trams.

Allan of course has fond memories of the conductresses, and the vexed question of when you were old enough to pay full fare.

Writes Allan: “A well-dressed lady and her son were seated. ‘One and a half, conductress’, came a commanding voice. ‘Missus,’ replied the conductress looking intently at them both. ‘That boy o’ yours is 16 if he’s a day’.

“‘I’ll have you know I’ve only been married 12 years.

“‘Listen hen,’ she replied. ‘Ah’m only takin’ ferrs – no confessions’.”

A side issue

OH, and before any more folk tell us, yes we have heard of the conductress who was asked if the caur was going to Maryhill, but she replied, no, Dalmuir.

When the passenger protested that it didn’t say Dalmuir on the front, she replied: “Aye well it says Persil on the side, but that disnae mean we take in washin’.”

More tram tales from readers next week.

Jobs generation

THE death of Apple boss Steve Jobs has affected many people who love the company’s products.

Said one with fondness yesterday: “The guy who invented a computer that both me and my 82-year-old dad could understand must have been a genius.”

Picking a bone

UPMARKET fish restaurant in Glasgow Gandolfi now has a carry-out section for anything from fish suppers to lobster.

But surely, points out a reader, health and safety has gone too far when a fish and chip shop has to put at the bottom of its menu “Some dishes may contain bones”.

Latin lament

OUR union meeting story reminds Bill McLean in Johnstone, clearly a movie fan: “I went to a union meeting in the 1970s where I asked a pal what he thought the outcome would be. ‘It will be Quo Vadis as usual,’ he replied.

“I asked if he meant ‘status quo’ rather than ‘quo vadis’, but he said he meant quo vadis because we will be thrown to the lions again.”

What a loo-loo

A PARTICK reader overhears a couple of students discussing their girlfriends in the pub. One of them declared: “The fuse went in the flat the other night, plunging us into darkness. I was trying to fix it when the girlfriend piped up, ‘Will the toilet still flush?’”

Meaty decision

WE read the headline in a business magazine “Burger King parts company with Cow” and excitedly wonder whether the food chain has gone vegetarian.

Sadly the prosaic explanation is that their PR company is called Cow.

Perhaps they called it that as their PR staff talk a lot of bull, as our American cousins would say.

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