A READER was on a bus in Paisley when the hesitant driver announced he was taking his time as it was his first day on the route.

An elderly chap sitting near the front shouted out: "I can show you a short-cut if you like."

A tram shame

SO did you like the funny one-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe, including the winner: "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa"? As one reader told us: "It's going to be tough for the comedians next year. How can they compete against the Edinburgh tram as the funniest one-liner?"

Whisked to fame

TALKING about the Festival, comedians Ellis & Rose have been given an award for publicity after it was reported that Gareth Ellis was attacked in the street by an unknown, irate member of the public after they appeared in a show about Jimmy Savile.

The award organisers say they were impressed as the attack never actually happened and that Gareth had hit himself in the face with the blunt end of a milk whisk. But it did get them publicity.

Back to basics?

SO Prime Minister David Cameron was complaining about an injured back while on his holidays on Jura. A reader in London phones to tell us: "He'd only been in Scotland a couple of days and already he had turned into a Jock complaining he couldn't do anything because of a bad back."

But another asked: "That's what happens when you've carried Nick Clegg for so long."

Ovine opinion

UNUSUAL sports story this week was that Celtic's opponents Shakhter Karagandy had sacrificed a sheep for good luck before yesterday's game.

"It will never catch on at Aberdeen," opined one Scottish sports fan.

Sacrificial bams?

BUT as an unhappy Celtic fan declared: "Shame Neil Lennon didn't think of doing the same to half his team at half-time."

Hard cell

A MISOGYNIST phones to say he was cheered by the headline about Miranda being detained at Heathrow airport, but was then disappointed that it was about the Brazilian partner of a journalist, and not the English comedian.

Or as another reader says: "Locked in a room for nine hours with no chance of seeing a lawyer? Sounds like the time-share presentation we went to last month in Tenerife."

Sweep stakes

APOLOGIES for this, but after actor Dick Van Dyke escaped unhurt when his luxury car burst into flames on a freeway in Los Angeles, reader Jim Evans asks: "I wonder if the car was smoking like a chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey chim chim cher-ee?"