MATT Vallance in Ayrshire tells us about the teenage couple who made jaws drop on a Stagecoach bus by getting on board with a baby and asking for "two half singles to Kilmarnock".
With the wisdom of Solomon the driver told them: "If you're coming on here with that baby and that pram – one of you has to pay full fare."
"SOMETIMES I think the only reason I have a home phone," we overhear a woman in Byres Road chatting to her friend, "is to use it to find my mobile phone in the house."
ROGANO chef Andy Cumming is always losing the top to his pen, so much so that staff are used to finding it all over the place and popping it back on his desk. After photocopying 200 versions of a new menu Andy could not find the top anywhere – until he looked at his menus and saw the outline of the pen top neatly photocopied over the new menus.
Drunk and disorderly
HECKLING continued. A reader tells us about an English comedian at a gig in Glasgow who was being interrupted by an incoherent drunk. "This is what happens," the comedian told him, "when cousins marry."
VETERAN photo-journalist James Gilmour, who has an exhibition at Glasgow's RGI Kelly Gallery featuring images of west of Scotland life in the raw, recalls that he narrowly missed an abrupt end while taking a picture outside an undertakers in Glasgow's Whiteinch.
"I kept stepping back to get the best shot and almost ended up tripping over a hole and under the wheels of a passing taxi," says Gilmour, whose show features everyone from male strippers to Alex Salmond. "Given the freshly dug hole and its close proximity to the undertaker's shop, a fatal outcome would have resulted in the first drive-through funeral."
HEARD at Somerset Park during Ayr United's cup win over Falkirk on Wednesday night: "Turned down Davie Murray, yes we turned down Davie Murray," the chant of Ayr fans remembering that Murray had been rebuffed by the directors when he tried to buy Ayr United some 30 years ago, before turning his attentions to Rangers.
Healthy bank balance
WE are sent a press cutting of the Rangers chairman last month declaring: "We are financially OK, and there can't be many other clubs in Scottish football who can claim that. We have cleared our debts, a number of directors' loans have been repaid and a bank loan we had has also been cleared."
Sadly for fans of Glasgow Rangers it was Brian Porteous, chairman of Berwick Rangers, the wee club just over the English Border. Who would have thought that one day Glasgow Rangers would have been jealous of them.
Leap of faith
"I've changed the date of my wedding to February 29," said the young groom-to-be in the pub the other night."
"That way," he added, "I'll only get in trouble for forgetting our anniversary every four years."
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