Just to rub it in to Scotland fans what they will be missing, even New Zealand, famous for the oval ball and not the round variety, have qualified for the World Cup finals.
Their only other final was Spain 1982, when the chairman of New Zealand Soccer was expat Glaswegian Charlie Dempsey.
Antipodean correspondent Gary Johnson tells us that when the largely amateur squad boarded the plane to the finals and scrambled for seats in economy, Charlie’s last-minute pep talk was: “Remember, lads, my heart is with you – every step of the way.
“My arse, on the other hand,” he continued, “won’t be, since I’m sitting in first class.”
Take it easel
AYR artist Sandra Ratcliffe, en route to Gigha for an exhibition of her paintings, was stuck in the lift of her block of flats with many of her canvasses.
She shouted for help, and neighbours called the fire brigade.
The firefighter who prised the lift doors open, looked at all the paintings surrounding her, and remarked: “Just how long have you been in here?”
That sinking feline
THE story about Margaret Thatcher’s death being erroneously reported last week due to confusion over a cat with the same name reminds Alex Harris of being a child in Glasgow during the Second World War and taking to the air-raid shelter one night. His mother was worried about the pet cat, Churchill, which was nowhere to be seen, and sadly was found dead after the bombing.
Alex’s distraught mum ran out into the street shouting: “Churchill’s dead!” which caused considerable consternation locally.
Teething trouble
RADIO 2’s Ken Bruce showed his consummate professionalism while being interviewed by BBC Radio Scotland’s Edi Stark for her Stark Talk show to be broadcast a week today.
Within seconds of the interview beginning, a crown popped out of his mouth and landed in his cup of coffee. “It sat there in the coffee for the rest of the interview while Ken gallantly tried not to whistle. A true gent,” says Edi.
Stream of consciousness
AN Edinburgh reader views the website for Edinburgh’s Christmas celebrations and reads that at the Bungy Snowdome you can “leap about with your friends and family until you run out of stream”.
“That could be a bit messy,” he muses.
A toast to Ada
“WHO is this Alkie Ada?” asks a reader, “that Gordon Brown keeps mentioning? Sounds like some drunk with a penchant for Buckfast.”
Where’s the beef?
THE question of who should be the new Scotland manager reminds us of the story in the just published The Herald Diary by Ken Smith (Black and White, £9.99) about the claim that chef Gordon Ramsay was being touted as the new Rangers manager.
“Because he used to play for them?” asked the chap in the pub.
“Naw,” replied his pal, “because he can do wonders with mince.”
Pea-brained
ACTOR Rowan Atkinson, visiting Scotland’s wilderness area of Knoydart, popped in to the Co-op in Mallaig, where a member of staff recognised him from his Mr Bean appearances. Her brain was perhaps not totally engaged as she tried to remember his name, and instead said, to the amusement of everyone else in the store: “Good morning, Mr Pea.”
