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Fit for porpoise? Going for gold Dose of humour Giving a lead Getting the brush-off Viewpoint

A READER tells us a young girl in her office was enthusiastic about having a dolphin tattooed on her bottom, but seemed a bit down afterwards.

When our reader gently enquired why, the girl blurted out: “When he’d finished he asked me if I wanted anything else done, as there was plenty of room left.”

RETIRED accountant Jimmy Miller had to formally hand over the gold chain of office this week to mark civil engineer Jack Steele becoming the new Deacon Convener of Glasgow’s Trades House.

When the gold centrepiece of the chain fell to the floor twice during the handover Jimmy, formerly a partner with KPMG, wryly observed: “As an accountant I’ve never seen gold drop so quickly.”

PROFESSOR David Purdie, a guest speaker at the Trades House dinner to mark Jack Steele’s appointment, was actually on duty the night comedian Chic Murray was brought to the Western Infirmary for a check-up after he was found slumped half-way out of his car parked outside his house.

David’s junior doctor, after checking him over, reported that Chic was suffering from an overdose. A surprised David asked him what Chic had overdosed on.

“Hospitality,” replied the junior.

TRAM tales continued. George Leslie in Fenwick, when a student, had a holiday job on the trams and remembers the two-hour lecture on behaviour before they began which included an inspector telling them: “An’ now we come tae dugs. Ye can allow wee dugs intae the body of the caur provided they can sit on the wummin’s lap.

“Ordinary dugs go up the stairs, and big dugs? Well ye can tie their leads tae the front of the caur an’ they can pull us up the hills.”

AND entertainer Andy Cameron recalls: “A group of us on a stag night were on our way to Barrowland for the jiggin’. A caur was pulling away from the stop and Dapper Dan was after it like he was out of trap five at Shawfield.

“He grabbed the pole to haul himself aboard, but unfortunately the ‘pole’ was a broom handle which was being held by a passenger who was waiting to alight at the next stop.

“While we were jiggin’ to Billy McGregor at Barrowland, Dapper Dan was wearing out the X-ray machine at the Royal.”

DAFT joke for the end of the week? A Glasgow chap was at a sales conference in Switzerland, and when he phoned home his girlfriend asked what the view from the hotel was like.

“Picturesque,” he replied.

“But I don’t know what Esque looks like,” said his confused girlfriend.

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