SHOPPERS are out looking for bargains just now.
One woman in the Waitrose supermarket in Newton Mearns spotted a fellow shopper heading to the checkout carrying a turkey, and as it was after Christmas she wondered if they were on sale.
So she went up to the chap and asked: "Are they going cheap?"
"No," he replied. "They're all dead."
WELL done to the workers out in all weathers restoring the downed power lines across Scotland. One householder in Central Scotland, who had been without power, was in his local where he praised the efforts of the workers who restored his lighting and heating. "I was surprised though," he added, "that they were Poles. I couldn't understand a word they said."
However he was corrected by a neighbour further up the bar who told him: "I met them. They're actually Geordies."
Dog day afternoon
SOME folk are actually keen to get back to work at the fag-end of the holidays, bored with the bad weather and the lacklustre telly programmes. One businessman tells us: "I just watched my daft dug chase his tail for 10 minutes and I thought to myself, 'Dogs are easily entertained.'
"Then I realised I had just watched my dog chase its tail for 10 minutes."
ARTIST and sculptor George Wyllie, of straw locomotive and running clock fame, is the subject of an exhibition at Strathclyde University's Collins Gallery in April. His artist grandson Calvin asked him on Hogmanay: "Have you any pearls of wisdom to share with us at the age of 90?"
"Yes," replied George, "don't share your pearls of wisdom with anyone."
AND the diet of rich food we've been horsing our way through reminds Chris Thornhill in Ardfern of one New Year offering an aged Highlander a slice of fruit cake.
The chap declined, explaining: "Ach no – I cannae bide rich fruit cake. It reminds me of weddings."
JIM Hunter tells us about a well-refreshed reveller at a New Year's party who got so emotional after the bells that he contacted everyone in his phone's address book to wish them a happy New Year. An unimpressed fellow party-goer asked: "Was he using oot-yir-Facebook?"
In the net
FITBA' news, and Everton goalkeeper Tim Howard is being celebrated for scoring a goal from his own kick-out. Or as a chap in a London bar was overheard saying yesterday: "Hitting a ball 100 yards? In Scotland that's known as a first touch."
AS the weather finally dies down, Barry Hunter tells us he thought he heard an auld fella singing a Vera Lynn song outside the corner shop the other day. When he passed him, Barry realised the pensioner was quietly singing: "Wheelie bin meet again. Don't know where, don't know when. Wheelie bin meet again some windy day."
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