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Fruitful exchange

IS it a Paisley thing, we wonder? A reader in a Paisley supermarket spots a chap pick up two melons, and stare at them fondly. She wondered if he was going to make some dubious remark comparing them to parts of a woman's body, when he suddenly remarked: "Ah smashed two o' these wi' a hammer wance." As she was standing nearby, she felt the need to comment and remarked that must have been good. "That it wis, hen, that it wis," he added, still lost in his reverie.

Sucker punch

NEWS that the Glasgow Barras market is to be smartened up before the Commonwealth Games reminds a reader of going there many years ago when a chap was trying to flog a vacuum cleaner and shouting: "It'll cut your housework in half, missus."

"I'll take two, then," replied the woman he was directing his sales

pitch at.

Vat's entertainment

SINGER Gary Barlow is getting pelters for not paying all his taxes. As a reader phones to tell us: "They should have known he was up to something when he changed the name of his group to Take Vat!"

Burning issue

AN unusual sales pitch was spotted by an Argyll funeral director who received an invitation to the Cremation and Burial Conference in Stratford-upon-Avon in July. The fee for attending, including meals and accommodation is £495, but the organisers add the encouraging incentive: "It's less than the average UK cremation fee."

Roy's boys

FOOTBALL news yesterday was England manager Roy Hodgson announcing his World Cup squad which included Celtic keeper Fraser Forster. One Celtic fan tweeted Fraser: "Well done for making the England squad. Hope you're home early though, big man."

England fans, however, were concerned about the impact foreign players have had on the Premier League. As one commented: "I feel sorry for Roy Hodgson. It must be difficult to examine every Englishman in the Premier League and decide which two to leave at home."

Odds squad

INCIDENTALLY, while bookmakers are of course offering odds on England winning the World Cup - most have them at a lowly 33-1 - Scottish based McBookie have tried to make it a bit more interesting. They are offering odds on which England player misses a vital penalty in Brazil. As McBookie says online: "Which England player will miss the vital penalty this summer? You know it will happen."

Storage solution

READER Ken Ramsay in Elderslie is told by the social media company Linked-in that Scottish housebuilders Springfield hase appointed their first "in-house lawyer" and Ken wonders: "Do they build a room for him or are you expected to keep him in a cupboard?"

Capital idea

PAUL Drury reads an article in the London-based Guardian newspaper about the Turner Prize which refers to Glasgow as "Scotland's capital." Says Paul: "Just four months before the referendum, do they know something we don't?"

Getting the treatment

"MY doctor says my paranoia is getting worse," a chap announced to fellow topers in a Glasgow pub the other night.

"So I said to him, 'You're not really my doctor are you?'"

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