Genie is out of the lamp Moo-ving on Rock and chips A cheery end Right royal rumpus Birthday woes Song sung blue

Diary Editor

Thursday 12 May 2011

A NEWTON Mearns reader reports: "On Sunday while having lunch with my family, I noticed that my granddaughter was very quiet.

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Ken Smith

After a bit I asked what was wrong with her. She replied that she was upset because someone had shot Aladdin.”

ANOTHER south side reader spotted two female traffic wardens booking a Wiseman milk delivery van sitting on yellow lines outside a newsagents in Shawlands.

The Wiseman vans are the ones, of course, that are distinctively painted to look like Friesian cows. When our reader came out of the shop the wardens were still there with one of them asking the other in a puzzled voice: “So what colour do we say it is. Black? White?” MISHEARD lyrics continued. Elisa Young hears Rihanna singing her latest hit S&M with the chorus: “Whips and chains excite”, and wonders if young Ayrshire women sing: “Chips and weans excite me” instead.WE asked for your Scottish funeral stories, and Russell Smith tells us: “I was told by a minister friend that as the curtains closed and the coffin began to disappear during a service in the crematorium, a voice wafted up, ‘That’s me away then’.“This turned out to be an employee who had asked to leave early to play a snooker match and had been told he could leave as soon as that part of the proceedings ended.”Bite-sizeAND Frances Woodward in Mirfield, Yorkshire, recalls: “My friend worked for an undertakers, and was told a wee wummin would come in for a last look at her husband before committal the next day and would she be alright taking her down to the viewing room? “Duly complying with this, she was startled when the woman asked for the teeth back he had in his mouth as they shared them, and she wanted to wear them at the funeral.”“DID you see the interview with Sarah Ferguson, Prince Andrew’s ex,” said the chap in the pub, “where she said that missing the Royal Wedding was difficult?”“I know what she means,” replied his pal. “It seemed to be on every sodding channel.”NEWSPAPERS have been commenting on the anniversary of the Conservative-LibDem Coalition. However we think the best explanation of it came from Mark Baker, who said: “Happy birthday Coalition. A friend said, ‘Bake them a cake’. The Tories wanted a chocolate cake, the LibDems a fruit cake. So I compromised with a chocolate cake.”“WHAT’s blue and can’t sing?” asks a reader. We don’t know. “Blue,” he replies, which is a little reminder that it’s the Eurovision Song Contest this Saturday.

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Genie is out of the lamp Moo-ving on Rock and chips A cheery end Right royal rumpus Birthday woes Song sung blue

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