A READER swears he was on the train to Dumbarton from Glasgow when a woman got on board with a couple of bags from a cheap and cheerful chain of stores.

A pal she met asked if she had been shopping there and the woman replied: "Yes. There was a story on the news about them using children in the Third World to make their clothes, so it seemed like a good cause to support."

Safety first

OUR mention of the women going to a hen night reminds a reader of the young mum in Newton Mearns being invited to one such party, but who was just a bit worried as it was being held in one of the city centre's rougher venues.

"Will we need to take protection?" she asked the bride-to-be, thinking that professional minders might be required. So it was embarrassed faces all round when the organiser replied: "What condoms? Surely not!"

Holiday blues

SCHOOL holidays of course, so it's unusual it hasn't started raining. A Dundee reader tells us: "Overheard my neighbour saying to her son, 'you've been off school for only two days and I'm already done with this'."

Burns country

AL Murray in his persona as The Pub Landlord had a comedy gig in Glasgow this week. He likes Glasgow. As he told his fans this week: "Glasgow: where I saw a junkie throw hot coffee in another's face while American tourists looked on."

Bad form

WE return to job applications, and an HR manager tells us the company had a questionnaire on which was posed the question: "Sum up your strengths in one word."

An applicant had written: "I'm very good at following instructions."

Lost in translation

READER Ray Donohoe, a native Glaswegian, has lived in the USA for many years so came on holiday to Scotland to show his kids their heritage. Says Ray: "I enjoyed my daughter's lack of understanding of Glasgow language. My mum's neighbour was saying to a local girl, 'Hi hen, how are you?' And my daughter, happy to have found someone of a similar age to play with, said, 'Hen, do you want to come and play with us?' She still doesn't understand why 'chicken' equates to 'girl' in Glasgow."

He also had to explain why the M8 Motorway sign "Belt up in the back" meant they had to stop talking.

Deal breaker

SOMEONE who is perhaps not long for this relationship was the chap on the London train to Glasgow who was overheard having an argument with his girlfriend on his mobile phone. It really wasn't going to get him very far when, as his voice got louder and louder, he ended the conversation with: "And your dad thinks you're fat too," before snapping shut his phone.

Low blow

THE World Cup continues to engross most of us. Have you seen the gaudy footwear of some of the players with different boots for each foot? As Scottish sports commentator Dougie Donnelly cheekily remarked: "A few players I've known over the years would have loved this trend for different coloured boots. No problems about which one goes on which foot..."

Laughter lines

A COLLEAGUE wanders over and tells us: "I may be cynical,but I doubt people on social networks are 'laughing out loud' half as much as they claim to be."