HAMILTON fan Davie Adams travelled through to Falkirk for the game on Saturday and was surprised the club was charging £4 for parking, when it is free at Hamilton.

"You should be wearing a mask," he muttered to the attendant asking for the four quid.

"I was," she replied, "but the wind blew it aff."

A little bit on the side

HAVE you noticed some restaurant menus are becoming more Americanised these days? A reader was in one such restaurant where the menu stated your steak came with a choice of a side dish. This must have escaped the notice of the chap at the next table who was asked how he would like his steak cooked.

After he replied: "Medium" the waitress asked: "And which side?"

After a certain hesitation, the chap replied: "Both."

Very punctual pooches

SOME people, observed a reader, take their animals far too seriously. He was on a train on the south side when he heard a woman tell her pal: "I'm a bit worried - I told the dogs I'd be home over an hour ago - and you know how vindictive they can be."

Crossed wires on phone

IT'S annoying these days, all those recorded telephone calls that you get at home. A Jordanhill reader tells us his son works in a call centre, and when he phoned a customer with his sales spiel, she interrupted to ask: "Is this is a recording?"

When he replied that it wasn't, she told him: "I don't believe you."

Dave's pen-pal Putin

READERS were discussing yesterday the Sunday Herald story that David Cameron has appealed to Russia for help in stopping Scottish independence. As one reader put it: "There must be a novel surely about what Cameron's up to. The Spiv Who Came In From the Cold?"

Squirrelling it away

WE asked what's been happening in the west end, and Marie Therese Allison tells us: "My husband phoned to tell me there was a squirrel eating pitta bread outside our flat. A friend who lives nearby said he could top that - he watched a squirrel eating a croissant. Is this just because we live in the west end?"

Fowl joke will run and...

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to tell us: "Went to the funeral of a headless chicken. It was incredibly moving."

Where there's a will

AS ithers see us. A reader sends us a gag from an English webpage: "Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons.

"'Bernie,' he says, 'I want you to take the Braid Hills houses. Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield. Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town.'

"The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says, 'Mrs McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all that property'.

"'Property? The eedjit had a paper round'."