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Grape gripe

OUR story about Dame Helen Mirren's limited wine options in Glasgow reminds Ronald Oliver in Elie:

"I was at an architects' do in Glasgow City Chambers, and as the meal was a sit-down nosh with wine, we were asked by the wine waitress, 'rid or clear'."

Smooth operator

A READER at a charity dinner tells us a guest speaker was a surgeon from Glasgow who said he once had to operate on his own father. Before he was anaesthetised his dad told him: "Don't be nervous - just remember if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you."

A half Nelson

WE like comedian Mark Nelson, who is appearing at the Stand at next month's Glasgow Comedy Festival, explaining the benefits of being Scottish when appearing at gigs down south. Said Mark: "The accent thing is always the main problem, but it is fairly easy to just slow down. I actually like slowing it right down as it means I'm actually doing less material onstage and therefore getting paid for less work."

It's a wrong 'un

A WORRIED reader tells us she bumped into a member of Lomond Mountain Rescue Team in a car park who was on his mobile phone to his colleagues to find out where they were as they were meeting for a training exercise. Turns out he was in the wrong car park, which is not so bad for a member of the public but slightly unsettling for a trained rescuer.

Street wise

WE should end our spelling errors with the classic tale from John McGowan: "My father who was in the Glasgow police declared that the recruits from the Highlands and Islands were renowned for their hard work, but less so for their academic skills. It was said that when they came across our inebriated denizens in Sauchiehall Street, they would escort the topers round to Hope Street before they made their arrest."

Getting the message

FORGETFULNESS continued. Says Ann Hannah: "My sister-in-law and I were shopping for a joint christening party, and went to Safeways at Cardonald. We bought two huge trolleyloads, and as we were parked on the roof car park, we got one of the staff to take them round to the foot of the ramp, where we would meet him.

"When we arrived back in Paisley, there was no shopping. We had left it all with the poor wee lad, still standing waiting patiently."

The real thing

SCOTTISH currency post-independence, and Norrie Christie suggests: "We could link our money to Brazil's Real, and call it the No Real."

The reign in Spain

ANOTHER independence dilemma solved. Says Mike Turbine-Hamilton: "In order to secure Spanish support for an independent Scotland within the EU, I suggest offering Spain jurisdiction over our share of Gibraltar."

Given the hard cell

WHISTLEBLOWER Edward Snowden elected rector at Glasgow Yooni reminds Susan Stewart: "When I was a student at St Andrews, we elected whistleblower Stanley Adams as rector. He did work, but was later jailed for paying someone to murder his wife."

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