Happy talk

Diary Editor

Wednesday 11 January 2012

OUR mention of proselytising Jehovah's Witnesses reminds John Duffy: "I was accosted in the park by two young elders of the Mormon church.

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Ken Smith

One of them, in polite mid-Western tones, asked if I could remember a time in my life when I was happy. 'Just before you spoke to me', I said, and we all laughed while I made my escape."

Baton chargeA READER buying tickets for the Royal Scottish National Orchestra's Brahms concert this weekend was struck by the thought: "Do you think dogs ever look at an orchestra conductor and think, 'Oh for goodness sake, just throw the bloody thing'."Storm chasersSOME weather this year so far. Reader Iain Talman sees a teenager in a "Hurricane Simulator" at Clydebank Shopping Centre, and had half a mind to tell him: "Get up, get out of bed, and step outside sometime – and save yourself a quid."Back to their roots?GLASGOW dentist Philip Friel has been trying to cheer up his patients up by asking them to suggest dental-themed musical numbers. Amazing that folk can have a sense of humour visiting the dentist, but suggestions include Greased Whitening by John Travolta, Filling Groovy by Simon and Garfunkel, the inspired Pussycat Dolls suggestion of Denture Wish Your Girlfriend was Hot like Me, and Shang-a-Lang by, of course, the Bay City Molars.But the occasional pain of a dental visit was not forgotten either. One patient suggested Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Crown.Difficult bookingTHAT great Glasgow institution the Mitchell Library is celebrating 100 years at Charing Cross. Mitchell staff are collecting stories about the building, and David Smart got in touch to tell them: "I worked for a short time in The Mitchell in 1946. One evening I was approached by a lady who said, 'Son, I had an awfy good book oot the last time I was in. I don't know the name of it or who wrote it but it was a green book and you went that way (pointing to the right) to get it.'"I had to point out sympathetically that as we had more than 600,000 books in the library, I needed a little more detail to be able to help."Of unsound mind? A GLASGOW lawyer tells us he had an elderly couple in his office this week making wills for the first time. On reflection, he tells us, he wished he hadn't said to them: "Which one of you wants to go first?"Assembly lineA LENZIE mum tells us her husband was attempting to put together a flat-pack wardrobe they had bought for their daughter's bedroom. After watching him scratch his head, puff and pant, and move the bits around with little effect, she eventually made the radical suggestion: "Why don't you have a look at the instructions?He picked the glossy instruction booklet up, stared at it, threw it back down, and declared: "They make no sense at all." So she picked it up, studied it, and told him: "You do realise you were looking at the page in French?"AS most folk return to work this week, a south side reader heard a young chap on the bus into Glasgow explain to a pal he had not seen for some time that he was no longer at university.When asked what had happened he said he had been kicked out.When his pal asked what for, our reader wondered if the chap was being entirely honest when he replied: "Too cool."Pic capt:

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